Nails

Operation grow my nails out has failed. Miserably. I can't help but pick at them...

So I had one ragged one today and I scratched myself on my chest with it. Unintentionally of course. The scratch welted up, and I kinda like the way the line looks...

So now I contemplate scarification. Time to research.

Neuroscience Confessions

As you all know, my loyal readers, I am sick. Laryngitis and possibly influenza...that would explain the fever, the coughing, the sneezing, the sniffles, and the lack of voice. Though I must admit, I love the sound of my voice when it isn't there.

In any event, I was lying in bed yesterday after brain and behavior attempting to take a nap. My heart was absolutely pounding and I wasn't quite sure why. I figured flu+racing heart=death. Yes my dears, I thought I was going to die.

And I wasn't the least bit fazed. I thought that it would be unfortunate, as there are many things I have yet to do, but at least I wouldn't have to take anymore tests or write anymore papers.

I realized not only when I woke up, but also when I felt a bit better, that if I was going to die, I probably would have felt more afraid. But as I always say "I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to be killed". Dying of a natural cause...or rather dying without pain would, I think, be peaceful. Like the coolness of an autum breeze or some such thing.

You see, I feel that life is like a synapse. Your parents creating you is the action potential, and the body you're born in is naught but a vesicle. A vesicle for the soul that is.

Soon, you are born. We can imagine that being like the release of calcium into the presynaptic nerve and the release of neurotransmitters would be you. And you float on across the synaptic cleft until you reach that postsynaptic nerve. You sigh your last sigh and release the neurotransmitter that is your soul into the atmosphere.

This next part gets a bit tricky...the soul is then (I think at least) treated like acetocholyne but not exactly like it. The soul holds all your memories from previous encarnations, but bits are broken off and re-attached to the same soul, but in such a way that the new vesicle can't access them. Could you imagine remembering everything from your past life? Your mind would explode. We're not programed for that kind of thing...

In any event, yes. There's my theory for all you science-y types. Feel free to hypothesize--oh wait, you can't! Science only answeres answerable questions. Riiight, I forgot...

Malady confessions

I've lost my voice...Something weird is going around on campus, and I do believe I've gotten it. What a shame.

Runny nose, pain in my chest, coughing, sneezing and a lack of a voice. On top of that I have a neuroscience practical and a psych paper due next week.

And I really want some wine.

And to be home in CA.

But that, I suppose, is for another time. Home will come soon enough.

Interlude

I haven't abandoned you bloggy dearest, I've just been busy getting my psychology on.

And trying to get a rave together for my school.

Hopefully in the future, I'll have time to write here more.

Till then~

Sporty Confessions

This goth doesn't like sports.

Well...most of them. I never really have, mostly because I was never a fast runner. No one out and out teased me for being fat, but I heard their laughter. I was always the slowest on the mile, the slowest to play tag, the slowest period. Picked nearly last et cet.

So I hate sports because I'm no good at them. And they're kinda boring. All sorts of rules and people to yell at when they get something wrong.

Now, if you extend sports to mean things like fencing and archery and highland dancing, then I'm lying. I like some sports. Mostly the sports where you don't have to deal with other people.

But then we must narrow it down even more and look at the one sport that shines out like a beacon of light amongst all the others. And that sport, ladies and gentlemen, girlies, laddies, and the like, is RUGBY!

I FUCKING WANT TO PLAY RUGBY!

It's so hardcore. SO HARDCORE! Must...play...

I swear to god, when I get a house and a TV and an Irish Wolfhound (more on that in a later post) I'm going to get BBC sport just so I can watch Rugby.

Why the obsession, you say? Because you like stripes: no, but I do. And rugby tees are kinda cute. Because rugby guys are cute: it's quite possible, and is usually the reason I get into something, but in this case no. Because you saw it in a movie and thought it was cool: no...never seen a movie with rugby in it. Because you just want to be in a scrum: kinda...kinda yah.

But mostly I have no idea. I just want to.

That's it for now. I'm going to go try to start a rugby team at my school.




p.s: watch this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AEdNd50gNY

A Three for One

Yes, that's right. Today and (perhaps) today only, I have just for you (yes YOU) a three for one special! That's right, three confessions for the blogging price of one!

First of all, before I went to work, I had a serious body-mod kick. Not that I went and got like a billion tattoos (too painful all at once, I don't have the money, AND I have some commitments to keep first), but...well, it all started with facebook...the site had a link to body jewelry, and I had to click it. What sort of person would I be if I didn't? Anyway, there I went, I saw that they had microdermal jewelry, and I wondered to myself how one would go about changing it...you wouldn't, right?

Well I had to check the wikipedia entry. And no. No you do not change them. Because that would involve ripping the skin out of your face or where ever it is...

In any event, there was a link to the entry on body mods, and as there were too few pictures, I had to go forth and google search 'em. I got a lot of entries for cars 'round page six, but the ones in the beginning were pretty freakin' amazing. Aside from the usual awesome ones of the tribal guys with the plates in their lips, there were a few others that were just stupendous! All of these pictures are safe for work, and involve minimal blood. And I'll tell you about 'em before I post 'em. Also, I don't own any of 'em, and if you are the person and you want me to take 'em down, I will be more than happy to do so.

This person has HORNS! FUCKING HORNS! I don't think you can get much cooler than that. I also don't think I have the nads to do something so awesome, but if I did, you'd better believe I'd have horns. They can rock 'em too.

There are a few body mods that I will never do. Getting my tongue split is one of them. Honestly, they make me feel kinda queezy. Now, this person doesn't actually have a zipper peircing...that shits been shopped, but it's kinda cool anyway. And yes, the ability to waggle different sides of your tongue independently is appealing, but I'll leave that to youguys *points*.

Ear tattoos! Of course! Ok, I think ear tattoos are adorable, and I would totally get one, but I wear my hair in front of my ears a lot...though...I guess if I had an ear tattoo, I wouldn't. In any event, I saw one where someone had a feathery design on the lobe of their ear, it was really cool looking. I wonder though how it would look after stretching...hmm. Anyway, this is definately a will consider.

Now this last one is perhaps the coolest one yet, and something that I would seriously, seriously consider. Elf ears. That's right you guys, elf ears. Perminate, non falling off-ish, non skin tone matching-y elf ears. Do you know how hard I'd get elf ears? And how awesome of an industrial I'd get through 'em? Well, only one side. Only on the left side. In any event, I'd really, truely love to be an old elf lady with silver dreads. I kinda wish my ears were like that naturally, but since they aren't...

Next on the list of confessions is language. I love language. As I always say, if language was a person...I'd tap that so hard. But I must confess, I have no dicipline when it comes to learning language. I've tried multiple times (and fail'd multiple times) to teach myself Japanese. Not that it stops me *fingers new book from the library* but yes, it's not gonna be easy. See, I either need someone to learn it with, or someone to teach it to me and make me do homework and such. And I know what you're thinking: "you're a college goth! Take a damn class!" I tried, but the teacher was BATSHIT INSANE. I think it'll be better once my boyfriend and I have a chance to learn it together...if not this semester, then over the summer.

Where did your obsession with languages come from, pray tell? Well mysterious audience member, I'm glad you asked. I don't really know...I suppose I've just always wanted to know all the languages in the world. I suppose it started with an obsession with accents (which I've probably had since I was about 3 or so). Of course, accents lead to different languages, and when I started to find certain accents attractive, I suppose I found those languages attractive as well. Though...english isn't really a different language. I remember one weekend in 6th grade when I tried to teach myself Latin and Greek. Didn't work out too well. But still, the inspiration was there! And I've been trying to learn Japanese since I was about 9 or 10 when Sailor Moon first came into my life...I admit, my obsession with Japan did start with anime. But every girl has to have a role model right?

I'm rambling. I have podcasts to download to teach me vocabulary so I can sound smarter in my blog posts and in my conversations because really, I aim to sound like an educated lady with a few languages under my belt by the time I get my Psy D in.

Now, I was going to have some awesome last confession, but I can't remember what it was. Never you worry your pretty little head, you'll get your last confession, it just won't be the original confession I was going to confess to you. The ultimate confession for this evening will be about the weather and the times of day. Now, one would assume that a goth would be a creature of the night. Temperature wise...probably cold for more jackets and pants with buckles, but it really depends. This goth likes all weather and all times of day. I only really realize this on days like yesterday when it's 50 degrees after it being terribly cold...the birds are singing and there is not a cloud in the sky. Those are the days that I feel most comfortable, and the days that I feel the happiest. I suppose it dates back to when I was little, and after I would get sick when it rained, I would feel better when it was sunny.

Don't get me wrong. A warm summer night is the perfect time to wander around a forest and scare the crap outta people. But I like days as well as nights. The times I don't like are from about 5am to 10am...that's the time when you know you won't be falling back asleep and the time that you need to leave by. It's also the time that you need to be up by and the time you can't sleep in till. Worst of all, it's the time at night that you want to keep the light at bay as much as possible, but it just keeps coming...

Yes, I do admit, part of me wishes for eternal darkness. Eternal darkness and full moons. And I suppose to live by a fores with a running stream that will forever catch the moonlight. No matter how Victorian I want to be, I'll always be a bodice lacin', ivy wreath wearin', may pole dancin' lass at heart.

Doubt

I saw Doubt today. And it was alright, but this isn't about the movie. Really, I kinda want to be a nun.

For me personally, it's foolish, I know. I'd have to give up my current obsession (body mods), I'd have to become celibate, and various other things that I'm probably not actually ready for. It was really the habits and the bonnets in Doubt that made me think of it, but I've often thought of devoting myself completely to a religion. I think it would be, to say the least, an experience. I'd love to become a priestess of some ancient religion and have the knowledge of all sort of ancient rites and rituals. There's something so magical about robes and smoke and words.

I really just want to have magic powers and cast spells off of mountain tops in a long billowy cloak, but that takes training...And really, I don't think I'd want to give up the internet, and blogging and such. Or House.

Wings

I was wondering why every girl I know who wants to get a tattoo (0r two out of three) wants to get wings on her back. And I've figured it out. We're past the age of dressing up like faeries, but right at the age of being able to get tattoos. So why not get faeries on our backs? We can still have the innocence of a faerie princess, but the badassadry of a tattoo.

'Cause lets face it, we all wanted to be faerie princesses. Or the final evolutionary form of Sailor Moon....*ahem*

You can't have it all

You can't. I feel that it's fundamentally impossible to have a perfect life.

No, I'm not saying that life can't be amazing and beautiful and full of lace and chains, but there are some things that have to give. It keeps us balanced. Right now, I have a lovely boyfriend, it's kinda warm outside, my family loves me and I love them, and my friends are stupendous. But I don't have money. Indeed, I think I have about 14 bux to my name. Valentines day is coming up, and I won't have money to get my sweetheart anything (or rather, it'll be late). My mom's birthday is in about 3 weeks, and there is one more thing that I want to get her before her birthday so that she can start on her road to becoming Steampunk (yes, my mom is that much of a G).

This entry isn't all about money. It's about balance. If we were to have everything we ever wanted in life, we would be greedy bastards because we would always aim to acquire more. Even now, I have a place to stay, a steady supply of food, loving people, and I want money for corsets and gifts.

If we were given all we wanted and did not have to work for it, we'd be lazy bastards and expect to get all we desire at a moment's notice. I really despise people like that, as I used to be like that when I was younger...I never asked for anything, but my mom always gave. And gave and gave and gave. And I didn't start thanking her until I was about 16 when I realized she doesn't HAVE to give me things...she doesn't HAVE to cook me food, et cet. It keeps you balanced, and it keeps you humbled.

Life can be beautiful with all the things you have now, and it's fine to want for more things, but you can't have it all. It's impossible...there will always be more to have.

Watery Confessions

I've decided to work out every day until I loose 10 or so lbs ("we know, we know, shut the fuck up will you?!" Sorry...) so starting yesterday, I'll go to the gym for about an hour every day. And eat better, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so I was at the gym yesterday, and I was runnin' on the stair master. It was amazing and I felt pretty fucking great. I got off and went back to my dorm feelin' pretty pumped, yet thirsty.

Now, there's a vending machine in my dorm and being a serious tool for a moment, I walked past the water fountain to get some bottled water. I know, I know. I was swiftly punished for my crime though, fear not. I went to the vending machine and put in my dollar. I was going to get some dumb vitamin water bullshit but it cost $1.50. So I went for the actual water and the machine made the churning noise it makes when it's about to give you something, but it gave me NOTHING!

This really has nothing to do with gothyness or anything, I just wanted to share.

Fun Fact: I'm thinking of dying my Dickinson bag black. But I need fabric dye that won't take like...45 min to cook. Walmart is out. Any suggestions? Ohh...and suggestions on where I could get pyramid studs too...internet probably huh...I think it's time to DIY that bag...

For the Imbibing of Liquids

So it seems that I am a bit of a light weight when it comes to drinking. I got drunk for the first time yesterday, and it was..an experience. The sort of weightless wobbly feeling was, I dare say, enjoyable, but the drinks themselves were not. A true lady would not get drunk off of vodka and wine, and yet...

Vodka tastes like nail polish remover. Even if it is laced with vanila. The wine was alright, but I'm not much for red wine. If I had my way, I'd have...well...wait, I don't really know what I'd have. What sort of drinks to goths have? Wine most probably. But what else? Wine gets boring after a while I'd guess.

In any event, the night itself was interesting. I went to the Arts Haus after being told repeatedly to come by. I grabbed a couple of friends and there we went. We had a chat, found some friends, sat around, and drank their booze. My friend got quite drunk. So much so that we had to walk her home. Then we got pulled over by DPS and she got a verbal warning. It was rather silly, looking back on it. Still, a fun night though.

I suppose college is all about experimentation. And education of course, but mostly experimentation. Which means, more chances to find out about what sort of booze a proper lady should imbime.