Notes to Self

1. Spring here is not actually spring:

For a total of two days, it was above 60 degrees. I walked outside, it was warm, it was sunny, I was (am) in love...the day couldn't get any better. I was happy, a sort of elated feeling that I hand't felt since I'd been home. I didn't even realize that I had been depressed until the sun came out again.

Then it got cold .

Spring here is a lie.

2. When you find a guy attractive...

...don't get attached in any way unless it's guaranteed that he'll be attached back (i. o. w: there are no other possibilities or dare I say competition). That way, when you wake up in the middle of the night and hear him crying to your friend about how much he likes her, you won't be torn between your bitch side and your psychologist side. Also, YOU will be considered the immature one when you flip the fuck out after they hook up with your buddies. Especially if you have a boyfriend...apparently you're not allowed to care about two people at once.

Also, don't introduce them to your cute friends. Or any of your friends with ovaries. Or dicks for that matter. Not until you've sealed the deal so to speak.

a. On a subset of this whole "boys" idea: you CANNOT be the girl who turns heads. It isn't your fate. As a be-pierced and be-dyed individual, it is true that heads do turn when I enter the room, but it really isn't for the reason I want. I want people to be utterly dumbstruck from my sheer beauty and grace. I want them to line up to ask me for a dance. What I'd really love would to be that person who walks down the staircase poised yet shy, strong yet demure, hair dyed perfectly, corset perfectly fitted, gloves straight....

...and as I enter the room, there is a hush. The tap tap tap of my boots echoes as I cross the dancefloor and I feel the electricity as people wonder who they will have to come to blows with in order to even get close to me.

But no. Believe me, I've walked into many a place like that and been virtually ignored.

My fate is to be the listener. The quiet shoulder to cry on, the soft lap to fling yourself into. Not the beauty who causes problems, the matron who fixes them.

3. One must learn to adapt anywhere.

Yes couples are annoying. I'm probably part of a terribly annoying one myself. But welling up with anger, embarassment, jealousy and sadness every time you see a particularly annoying one won't solve anything. Espcially if, say, you were at a party. In which case you'd probably be drunk anyway, so what does it matter?

4. At least I know how to Iron

I don't know what I can offer in relationships (except for excessive spazing and more crying that you signed up for. Oh, and lets not forget that good ol' freaking out for no reason). I can cook I guess, but I can't clean or sew or deal with kids or do any of that domestic stuff. Part of being a proper lady I think (aside from learning to dance, manners, writing, drawing, learning an instrument, knowing at least one other language, being well read, being able to hold a conversation....et cet) has a lot to do with being useful around the house. Not so you could be a pushover and do all the work while the person you live with sits around, but so you can be a dynamic duo (or trio or whatever, depending on who all you live with). I really can't work with kids...Irish wolfhounds, sure, but not kids. I hate cleaning, and I can't sew. I can repair, but I can't sew.

But at least I can iron.

5. Learn to like to need.

I need a lot as it is. Or rather, I want a lot. I hate needing, espcially when it involves other people and yet I need him. Shaun. My boyfriend. I absolutely need him and it shakes me to my very core. We've been dating for 7 months and...I feel as though we belong together. I want to stay with him for a very long time and yet I see our paths diverging. He wants to save the world, he has a big picture to make the world more green and better for the working individual and I...

I am the listner, not the savior.