I sit here. In the dark. The wee hours of the morning pass me by, and though I know I should be sleeping as some weird circus-y sounding fife music plays on the radio (perhaps its an organ? the fan is too loud for me to hear it properly...) I cannot. There are many explanations for this, I don't actually have insomnia. It takes me about one half hour to fall asleep, I was watching How I Met Your Mother before bed (stimulation makes my mind race), my clock has been reset due to summer, et cet.
Still, I figured since I was lying awake in such a state this morning, why not write about what I was thinking. If you will give me a moment to sort my thoughts, I will gladly display them for you in zeros and ones converted to a sans-serif font for all to enjoy.
Numero un: I prayed tonight. I consider myself to be spiritual, not religious (like most other tea-drinking-tofu-munching-pilates-doing-bay-area-bread-college-age-females) but they say the power of good intentions can move mountains. Sure, it may all be coincidence, but you don't know that it's not magic. My wish box seems to be on the fritz as it were and so, facing the south direction and invoking the gods of summer, passion, and romance, I prayed. What did I pray for? I honestly cannot tell you. It involves someone I've known since I was 11 and liked since then. Since about 16, I've wished for a moment alone with said person (in which, of course, I was completly calm, cool and collected) that I could use to show them how awesome I was and how perfect of a relationship we could have.
The problem was, he was legaly able to drink when I was 16.
In any event, I am in love now with someone different (my boyfriend...I know it's early, but do I have to spell it out for you?). Thus, a relationship is not what I'm in the market for, but I figure if I could just get one romantic moment alone with him and see for myself if whatever shreads of feelings I have left are worth anything...I could move on. I could either say "hey, he sucks. Why did I care for so long" or (the one I dread more I think) "I still really like him, and we can never be together". Either way, I need to know.
So I prayed. And I cried...the eleven-year-old inside of me particularly pleaded to the gods I guess.
Oh, did I mention he probably has a girlfriend? But there's no way for me to know because he un-friended me on facebook and I have no other way of contacting him...so I have to wait till I see him next and basically spy on him all night...Note (very important note): I'm not trying to break anyone up here. That's just bad karma. If it does turn out he has a girlfriend, I won't make a move (though honestly, knowing me, I probably won't make a move anyway). But uhm...y'know...if he doesn't...I'll walk over to him awkwardly and try to make conversation, insinuating that we should hang out sometime...
Numero deux: On a semi-related note Gaskells is coming up in two weeks. Which means that I have two weeks to make a corset and a poofy skirt. I have a pattern for a ballroom appropriate skirt (complete with drawstring bustle) but minimal sewing experience. And two weeks. My mom is prepairing to go away for two weekends, so she's busy packing and making crafty things, and I really don't think I can tackle this alone...I may have to just make an EGL skirt and wear that plus the corset (which will be made of ducttape...and I figure I just won't put a busk in...) and call it a night. I was thinking I could make a hat as well...the pointy sort, sorta like a Robin Hood hat. Only black with red roses or some such thing. And tea hat sized obviously. Which means I'd have to make my red skirt...In any event, I have a lot of sewing to do.
Numero trois: again, related. There are three people I want to see at the next Gaskells that have similar qualities: a. I have yet to see them at all this summer and b. they're all quite pretty. One has been mentioned (in oh so many words) above. The second (who also has a girlfriend...) is just...so bloody gorgeous...I dare you not to melt upon his gaze....*ahem* anywho. When I see him next, he'll probably say something along the likes of "You look nice love", which I will, because one cannot help but look good in a corset, to which I will say "thanks. You look stunning as always". Yes, I'll say that. In my head. And in my head, he will awkwardly take the comment because he's awkward about comments. Though maybe not so much now. I haven't seen him since last winter, and before that since the summer. In any event, I thought this as I lie awake seeing shooting stars in my ceiling. I realize now, that what I would actually say in this situation is "*flusterfluster*...thanks..." and for a good half hour, I'd ponder if he meant anything by it. Because I am the ponderer.
The third person I met only once. It was the Christmas Gaskells and I was wearing a red lolita dress. He invited me to a goth club that I knew right off I wouldn't go to because none of my friends 'round these parts are of the goth persuasion. And to go into the city at night by your onsies to meet someone you've met once at a club that he might not show up to is downright dangerous. In any event, I tried to set up a "lets go for coffee" type thing, but he was going out of town. This summer, he seems to be busy and sick alot...I'm hoping he'll come to Gaskells...he said he isn't much for dancing though.
I'm perfectly fine with spending the majority of my evening outside watching people waltz and talking. It'll be just like Scottish Country Dance all over again...But less depressing (?).
Numero quatre: I'm keeping firearms away from friends. I have a fear that I'll have to save someone from suicide. The way it plays out in my head is that I do save them, and I'm completly calm about it...but something tells me that, if faced with the situation, there would be lots of screaming that would sound far to accusatory. I don't know why, as I lie here awake, I would think about such a gruseome scenario...my mind wanders to scarry places.
Numero cinq: I fear that when I grow up and try to make a name for myself in the world of psychology, no one will take me seriously because of my facial piercings. Anything on the ears I can hide (which is what I try to explain to people when I say I want to get my ears elf'd) but even if I take my piercings out, the holes will still be there...and will look weird without something in them. Am I doomed to be a bum with awesome lip rings?
I believe that's about it. Most other things were snippets..."oh that's how I'll make the corset...why am I so awkward...HIMYM is amazing..." that sort of thing. I bid you goodnight. I must wake up in about 9 hours to walk to bart...
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