Jealousy

Misery.

Envy.

I was with a guy last night, for a long time. Me and a friend. He's cute, really cute. Gorgeous I dare say. And I've been with him once before. For some reason, I cannot tell you what...the jealousy my friends felt, the smell of his tobacco...I wanted him again. And again and again.

But no amount of cleavage can compare to adorable.

My friend is adorable. Small, cute hair, cute face...they have a lot in common. Spoke to eachother in Japanese (at which, I can hardly even call myself a noob considering I know a few words and maybe two hiragana) when they could...honestly.

I had a strategy, oh yes I did. I plan. I scheme. I'm a cutthroat bitch when it comes to boys and do you know why? Because that's the only way for someone like me, too large, entirely too large, to snag a lad. Aye indeed, last time I didn't even have to try, but now....how do you compete with someone so cute? Hell, I'd choose her over me.

Though I'd choose most anyone over me.

I was never alone with him. And I'm too shy to make a move in front of someone. Even if I did, I know how a threesome would work out. He'd make out with me for a bit then move on to her and I'd sit awkwardly and watch hoping, praying for her to vanish.

As I did most of the night.

Finally, at around 7 when I realized that neither she nor he were going to leave and that I was too cold and too sleepy to fake like I was having fun, I left.

The things I put people through. I'm a horrible human being. Both asked if I was alright, and of course I answered yes and continued to sulk as I do. Finally I rid them of myself...why do I ooze such negative energy...why even ask, I know the answer. I wanted him to pull me aside and ask me what was wrong, then perhaps I'd burst into tears and he'd comfort me and kiss them away and she would be the awkward one for once, not I.

But even her awkwardness is cute. She's made of cute.

I couldn't sleep when I came back to my dorm. I nearly threw up twice. And my nose crusted over. I'm trying not to be sick anymore...perhaps it was my constant coughing last night that was a major turnoff.

And why do I care? I am in love with another, we plan our lives together constantly. Shouldn't I be content in the fact that at least I have one boy who will choose me over cute girls?

Then why do I feel like crying...