Yes, ladies and gents, I won the contest. The day I got my email, I suppose I had a bit of a premonition...I thought for sure that they would send out the emails by midday, but I kept checking throughout the day. I thought that, if by 6:00pm they hadn't sent me an email, I had probably not won. At 6:00 I got an email from BPN saying "You're Invited!"
I flipped a bitch.
I ran to my mom, spazzed at her, she told me to calm down and tell her exactly what had happened. She was happy to know that I had won the contest and was excited for me.
Fast forward to a few days before today when I ask the ladies on lolitafashionforum.com what I should wear to the BPN party...they suggested sweet lolita because as they and I predicted, almost everyone was VK or EGL/EGA. Unfortunately, I own nothing sweet...I don't do empire waists and bright colors...but there you go. I wanted to go pirate lolita...but it didn't work out. So I went EGL like everyone else...I was up till 3 sewing up my bustle skirt, and washing my hair.
After going to bed at around 4:30 fretting about money and such, I finally fell asleep, and woke up around 8 to make an eyepatch that didn't fit my eye, but made a sweet accessory for my bag. I got ready, and met Tae at bart. We wandered around the street fair at Japantown today for a while and got some snackies (huge aquarius and aloe drink ftw!) before going to the New People booth where I got Hakuei's autograph and flipped out a little. Then we went to Ichiban-Kan and sat around a bit more until the party started.
It was a deliciously awkward party. It was at Yoshi's too, which meant the food was yummy, but I didn't want to eat anything in front of Hakuei...or anyone else really. In any event, Tae had to leave earlier, and as my moral support he was urging me to go and talk to Hakuei. Eventually, using the bar as an excuse (we had glasses we had to return) I got a picture with him~! He said my hair was cool too (well, technically he said either kawaii or kirei...and I was like "thanks!" and he was like "good good" still talking about my hair...I kept thanking him..) and I told him I liked his labret and the nose piercings... Anywho, giddy, I retunred to my seat and Tae was like "well that wasn't that bad was it? " and indeed, it wasn't.
Tae and I chatted and he tried to convince me to go and talk to him again...my Japanese is terrible though, and I didn't know whatelse to say. So Tae and I continued to chat, while I spotted a sweet lolita across the room. Her dress was respectably sweet (not too frilly, and not too plain) and I decided to compliment her on it. And her alice bow (though I usually don't like them, but this one was very well made...turned out to be BSSB). She then asked me if I was Yana, and, thinking I knew her from the forums or something, I said that I was. It turns out that this sweet lolita was a friend of mine that I hadn't seen since I was in about 6th grade. She's going to be a senior in highschool now...it was an amazing meeting! While talking to her, and not wanting Tae to feel totally left out (because he wasn't particularly psyched to meet Hakuei, he was there for moral support) I decided that I should introduce her to him. En route to the seat we had claimed, I was stopped by Hakuei and his translator. The translator said "he wants to take a picture of you and him for his blog" and I just about died. The translator then took the picture with his awesome phone and my life was made~
Tae left because he had to meet his cousin and I thanked him for coming with me and supporting me. I edged over to my friend's group and we were chatting up a storm when suddenly we were aproached by an EGA who took our pictures for her blog! It was an exciting turn of events!
My friend and I continued to chat and the friend she was with took me home afterwards. All in all, today was amazing!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Skirts, Dresses, cardigans, a shirt or two and a nightie!
I have in my possession a "book" of lolita tutorials. There are at least 5 different skirts, two ways to alter a shirt, how to alter a cardigan, one JSK, one OP and various accessories. I plan to tackle the 5 skirts, a JSK (maybe an OP if I can get the pattern I made right...), some shirt alterations, a few cardigans/sweaters and the nightgown done before I go back to school. Helps that I have nothing to do till the 28th except get my learner's permit...
In any event, there are some steps I need to complete before the sewing begins:
Step One--The Cleansing of Music: I lost my library a few days a go because I synced my hard drive to NOTHING. I had deleted my music off of my computer after I saved it to my hard drive, then I synced it again...Anyway, yesterday I downloaded a bucket load of Visual Kei and I'm in the process of weeding out the songs I don't like and adding the ones I really, really like to my shuffle. I'm almost in the middle...
Step Two--The Purification of Rooms: There is a lot of stuff on my floor...fabric, clothes, my bed...It all needs to be cleared away before I can start sewing as I need to fit a table and chair in here...
Step Three--The Search Begins: After showering, getting dressed, and probably having some food, I need to go out and find the shirts and the material to make the skirts and dresses. Ideally, I'd know how much lace I'd want and how I'd want to alter said shirts, but that probably won't happen. What probably will happen is that I go and find the shirts and take a piece of paper with me so I can do a mock up of the shirt and how I'd want to lolify it. Then it's over to JoAnne's for lace, zippers, thread and fabric for skirts.
Step Four--Boss Fight: I'm getting cheesecake...Then going back home to sew, sew, sew!
My mom says I'd make myself sick if I did this all in one day. And surely, I won't have the patience to make all the skirts and dresses and alter all the shirts I'd want to in a day, but once I'm done with my music and I've cleared up my floor, I'm off to find things. Wish me luck!
You'll be happy to know that I also entered a contest to meet Hakuei from Penicillin! I'll find out if I win on the 6th and update accordingly. I also applied to work at BSSB and when I go to the opening, I'm taking a resume for them and to BPN. Pray to the gods that I get in!
In any event, there are some steps I need to complete before the sewing begins:
Step One--The Cleansing of Music: I lost my library a few days a go because I synced my hard drive to NOTHING. I had deleted my music off of my computer after I saved it to my hard drive, then I synced it again...Anyway, yesterday I downloaded a bucket load of Visual Kei and I'm in the process of weeding out the songs I don't like and adding the ones I really, really like to my shuffle. I'm almost in the middle...
Step Two--The Purification of Rooms: There is a lot of stuff on my floor...fabric, clothes, my bed...It all needs to be cleared away before I can start sewing as I need to fit a table and chair in here...
Step Three--The Search Begins: After showering, getting dressed, and probably having some food, I need to go out and find the shirts and the material to make the skirts and dresses. Ideally, I'd know how much lace I'd want and how I'd want to alter said shirts, but that probably won't happen. What probably will happen is that I go and find the shirts and take a piece of paper with me so I can do a mock up of the shirt and how I'd want to lolify it. Then it's over to JoAnne's for lace, zippers, thread and fabric for skirts.
Step Four--Boss Fight: I'm getting cheesecake...Then going back home to sew, sew, sew!
My mom says I'd make myself sick if I did this all in one day. And surely, I won't have the patience to make all the skirts and dresses and alter all the shirts I'd want to in a day, but once I'm done with my music and I've cleared up my floor, I'm off to find things. Wish me luck!
You'll be happy to know that I also entered a contest to meet Hakuei from Penicillin! I'll find out if I win on the 6th and update accordingly. I also applied to work at BSSB and when I go to the opening, I'm taking a resume for them and to BPN. Pray to the gods that I get in!
Friday, July 31, 2009
The Holy Grail of American Lolitas
No more having to buy from overseas, no more having to wait for weeks and weeks to get your beautiful dress, socks or bloomers. Here, in my possession, is the key:
http://www.newpeopleworld.com/
I thank the lolita gods every day that I live on San Fransisco.
I NEED TO SEW SOME SKIRTS AND JSKS ASAP!
http://www.newpeopleworld.com/
I thank the lolita gods every day that I live on San Fransisco.
I NEED TO SEW SOME SKIRTS AND JSKS ASAP!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Dreamy-Eyed Confessions pt II
Would it be silly to take a break from academia? I mean, after I graduate college. Once I do, I'd have a BA in Psychology...I could do social work and such, though honestly I wouldn't want to. But I would be qualified to do so. I would really love to work in a coffee shop, or be a bartender for a while...in another country of course. A friend has offered to teach me Japanese, and if I study it hard and thoroughly enough, I'd like to work and live in Japan.
Before I go back to school, I want to become more proficient with sewing. Sometime in the semester, I'd like to get my own sewing machine, and some more fabric so that I can start up an Etsy store. I figured if I sold lolita dresses on the cheap, more people would buy, and I could save enough money to travel.
I'd be 21 when I graduate. It's not silly if it's something that I'd want to do...and I'd have a plan to make money and such...it wasn't the original plan, but it would be amazing.
Before I go back to school, I want to become more proficient with sewing. Sometime in the semester, I'd like to get my own sewing machine, and some more fabric so that I can start up an Etsy store. I figured if I sold lolita dresses on the cheap, more people would buy, and I could save enough money to travel.
I'd be 21 when I graduate. It's not silly if it's something that I'd want to do...and I'd have a plan to make money and such...it wasn't the original plan, but it would be amazing.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
A Dreamy-Eyed Confession
Hello again my loyal readers. Alas, I know I've left this blog to rot but I also haven't had much to write about recently. I sewed up a dress that I need to take in, and I've found some patterns that I want to sew, but I need to find them in a larger size and get some fabric.
This morning, I woke up after 13 hours of sleep, and a dream that my gauges were horribly infected. Luckily, this wasn't true. On the other hand, I was rather depressed, I spent most of the day not eating and moping about...but from that came some good designs for a few lolita-esque clothes. I've decided to participate in a design contest through Bodyline, and if I win, my design will be available in their store and they'll make me a custom one for FREE! I hope to god I win, but some of the desings are really cute...and well I dunno. Here's hoping I win.
In any event, the whole contest thing has started a flurry of creativity within me. I have a few collections in mind, but, as you know, I don't have a store to sell them out of. A friend of mine has been talking about opening a bakery. He said that I could sell my wares there, but I sorta feel as though I'd be incroaching on his dream...
Suddenly, I got a vision of a Victorian parlor full of puffy dresses for sale, coffee, tea, finger sandwitches, and cakes. It was perfect...there would be people on the floor to wait on you hand and food--people experienced in the lolita fashion who would know the difference between kuro and gothic lolita; who would be able to fit you for a proper dress, a corset, shoes and otherwise; and who would, after your purchase, be able to guide you to the cafe area where high tea would be served all day. Upstairs would be my office, a second parlor type area, where I would practice psychology. Complete with chaiz lounges and a Freudian type set up. It'd be amazing~
I'm pretty sure that's what I'd want to do with my life. Sometime later, I'll post picture of my collections...
This morning, I woke up after 13 hours of sleep, and a dream that my gauges were horribly infected. Luckily, this wasn't true. On the other hand, I was rather depressed, I spent most of the day not eating and moping about...but from that came some good designs for a few lolita-esque clothes. I've decided to participate in a design contest through Bodyline, and if I win, my design will be available in their store and they'll make me a custom one for FREE! I hope to god I win, but some of the desings are really cute...and well I dunno. Here's hoping I win.
In any event, the whole contest thing has started a flurry of creativity within me. I have a few collections in mind, but, as you know, I don't have a store to sell them out of. A friend of mine has been talking about opening a bakery. He said that I could sell my wares there, but I sorta feel as though I'd be incroaching on his dream...
Suddenly, I got a vision of a Victorian parlor full of puffy dresses for sale, coffee, tea, finger sandwitches, and cakes. It was perfect...there would be people on the floor to wait on you hand and food--people experienced in the lolita fashion who would know the difference between kuro and gothic lolita; who would be able to fit you for a proper dress, a corset, shoes and otherwise; and who would, after your purchase, be able to guide you to the cafe area where high tea would be served all day. Upstairs would be my office, a second parlor type area, where I would practice psychology. Complete with chaiz lounges and a Freudian type set up. It'd be amazing~
I'm pretty sure that's what I'd want to do with my life. Sometime later, I'll post picture of my collections...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Bodymods and Modeling
As you all know, I need a job. I've applied and been turned down ever since August of my Sophomore year in high school. I'm soon to be a Sophomore in college. At first, I figured it was because I didn't have any experience, and I wondered who would hire me without any experience? And how I would get said experience if I didn't have a job to begin with?
Luckily, Dickinson saved the day and I worked there all year doing various jobs. I now have experience in telemarketing (which I despise with every fiber of my being), cafe barista-ing, and something similar to door-to-door salesmanship. In short, I now have experience. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to get a job. Right?
Well, not necessarily. As you all know, I have lip rings, a nose ring and multicolored hair. Though I'm a nice person underneath who is hardworking and eager to work, on the outside...I'm a ruffian, gothy, dark, and dare I say...scary. Though I feel that discrimination of all sorts is wrong and making someone change because you're more comfortable that way is completely idiotic, I understand that if I want to get a job, I'll have to...re-modify my appearance.
I'm thinking about putting in studs in my nose and lip. I feel they'll be less noticeable that way. I absolutely refuse to re-dye my hair. This involves buying (or finding) studs then going about and job-hunting. Unless places like say...Hot Topic or Dark Garden are hiring.
I could also go into modeling (if not this summer then next). I'm not going to ask if you think I have what it takes because...I probably do. I'm pretty, and I'm tall. Or at least, I'm distinctive (enough to get people's attention). But I have no idea how to get started, and I don't want to get screwed out of a possibly good experience. Preferably, I'd like to do goth modeling (because I really don't want to take my piercings out or re-dye my hair) but I don't know if there are any places around that would pay and take pictures of me and be legit all at the same time. With a rather sizable bondage scene being right across the Bay, goth can't be too far behind...and SOMEONE needs to model those products right? Not the bondage ones (not just yet)...the gothy ones.
Discuss.
Luckily, Dickinson saved the day and I worked there all year doing various jobs. I now have experience in telemarketing (which I despise with every fiber of my being), cafe barista-ing, and something similar to door-to-door salesmanship. In short, I now have experience. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to get a job. Right?
Well, not necessarily. As you all know, I have lip rings, a nose ring and multicolored hair. Though I'm a nice person underneath who is hardworking and eager to work, on the outside...I'm a ruffian, gothy, dark, and dare I say...scary. Though I feel that discrimination of all sorts is wrong and making someone change because you're more comfortable that way is completely idiotic, I understand that if I want to get a job, I'll have to...re-modify my appearance.
I'm thinking about putting in studs in my nose and lip. I feel they'll be less noticeable that way. I absolutely refuse to re-dye my hair. This involves buying (or finding) studs then going about and job-hunting. Unless places like say...Hot Topic or Dark Garden are hiring.
I could also go into modeling (if not this summer then next). I'm not going to ask if you think I have what it takes because...I probably do. I'm pretty, and I'm tall. Or at least, I'm distinctive (enough to get people's attention). But I have no idea how to get started, and I don't want to get screwed out of a possibly good experience. Preferably, I'd like to do goth modeling (because I really don't want to take my piercings out or re-dye my hair) but I don't know if there are any places around that would pay and take pictures of me and be legit all at the same time. With a rather sizable bondage scene being right across the Bay, goth can't be too far behind...and SOMEONE needs to model those products right? Not the bondage ones (not just yet)...the gothy ones.
Discuss.
Modeling Confessions
First of all, Gaskells was wonderful, but I Gaskell'd too hard. I couldn't walk for about 3 days afterwords...
I also looked pretty awesome in my outfit, I must say. There was a photographer there who took some pictures with me and a friend and it was lovely! I want to model now, gothic modeling in particular but I don't know where to begin...the same friend I took the pictures with models, and she's going to take me on a shoot with her, but it's pretty amateur (though she takes good pictures...). Any suggestions?
Also, I want to start a lolita video blog with tips and tricks and such for aspiring lolitas (espcially, I dare say, African American ones). Again, suggestions?
And...I've sharpened my nails.
Now, toast.
I also looked pretty awesome in my outfit, I must say. There was a photographer there who took some pictures with me and a friend and it was lovely! I want to model now, gothic modeling in particular but I don't know where to begin...the same friend I took the pictures with models, and she's going to take me on a shoot with her, but it's pretty amateur (though she takes good pictures...). Any suggestions?
Also, I want to start a lolita video blog with tips and tricks and such for aspiring lolitas (espcially, I dare say, African American ones). Again, suggestions?
And...I've sharpened my nails.
Now, toast.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Lolita-esque Confessions
Ladies and Gentlemen:
Today is a momentous occasion in my life as a lolita and a Victorian maiden in general.
1. I made (yes, made) a corset. A fitting black corset that is mine. My mom also made me one petticoat and one skirt. The skirt is red, and might have some accents on it soon.
2. Today *quivers with excitement* I received my clothes from Bodyline. Now in order for you to be as excited as I am, you might well have to be a lolita. Now, by no means is this the Gucci of Lolita Fashion, but this is brand name. *spaz*
It's like...when you open presents on christmas...I just had my own little christmas this morning. In my possession I have: one blouse, one skirt, one jsk, one headpeice and one caplet. If you see a pretty little victorian doll at Gaskells this Saturday, that'll probably be me.
Today is a momentous occasion in my life as a lolita and a Victorian maiden in general.
1. I made (yes, made) a corset. A fitting black corset that is mine. My mom also made me one petticoat and one skirt. The skirt is red, and might have some accents on it soon.
2. Today *quivers with excitement* I received my clothes from Bodyline. Now in order for you to be as excited as I am, you might well have to be a lolita. Now, by no means is this the Gucci of Lolita Fashion, but this is brand name. *spaz*
It's like...when you open presents on christmas...I just had my own little christmas this morning. In my possession I have: one blouse, one skirt, one jsk, one headpeice and one caplet. If you see a pretty little victorian doll at Gaskells this Saturday, that'll probably be me.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Heaven, Blogs, Sprucing and Fasting
Heaven:
Last Friday, I found a slice of Lolita heaven on earth. Yes, loyal readers, if you're ever in Berkeley CA, you must go to Lacies. It's right by the Ashbey BART station. They have all the equipment needed to be a proper Lolita, and if they don't, they know how to make it and will gladly help you out. For example, I got an instructional video and a pattern on how to make a period corset. This corset, and pictures, will be made and posted soon. True, I got the fabric and lacing and other such things from other places, but of all the fabric/sewing stores I've gone to they are the only ones that sell steel bones and busks. Also, the have a backroom full of mannequins dressed entirely in Victorian garb, petticoats and hoop skirts hanging from the ceiling, a basket full of parasols, and a table full of tea hats. My heart swelled with joy to be in such a place.
To make matters more spectacular, not a day later did I find the only EGL meetup in all of the bay area. Which, provided I finish the corset, the skirt, and either a tea hat or bows, I will be at. Pictures and copious blogging to follow. I also either have to make food or buy some as it will be a potluck. It's also the same day as Gaskells which means I'll be in Lolita garb ALL DAY. I dare say such a thing is but a dream *flutters*.
Blogs:
In order to write this very post, I had to stop reading my boyfriends blog. Now, he's had this blog since he was about 13 and I realize a few key things about how my boy was when he was young. We were similar people: morbid and emo (but in a less whiny way than actual emo kids), we were both hung up on love, and we mused on life. Contrarily, he was more eloquent and admittedly, a jerk. I tried to be eloquent, and was a pussy. He is a beautiful writer though, fabulous I dare say. Gifted. All the things that I, as one who likes to" paint with pencils" as my mother said, would do with words.
I've come to the conclusion that we should write a children's book. Or rather, he should, and I should illustrate it.
Speaking of blogs though, what would be a good way to make my thoughts more...public? So that I turn up on google searches, and get internet fame and that sort of thing. Obviously, I should post more about goth-y things--clubs, fashion, meetups, et cet but I haven't gone to any of those things, and there aren't many back in Carlisle. I've been meaning to hit the clubs, but I honestly don't think my friends would go with me to, and though a goth club seems like the perfect place to brood in a corner and curse your introversion (especially when surrounded by beautiful people), I know that BART-ing to the city and back would be scary, even for a creature of the night such as myself.
Sprucing:
I'd like to spruce up my blog a bit. Nothing obnoxiously gothy (blood dripping from the scroll bars and the like) but I'm open to suggestions. I'm thinking...Victorian?
Fasting:
I'm considering fasting until I can't stand it any longer for the sake of art. Seeing if it influences me at all. After the piece I'm working on now (which I have roughly 15 days to finish) I honestly would like to draw little to no fantasy works for a while if anymore. But that's all I know...because the fantastic is beautiful, and beauty is art. Perhaps through fasting, I'll find some other sort of subject...
Last Friday, I found a slice of Lolita heaven on earth. Yes, loyal readers, if you're ever in Berkeley CA, you must go to Lacies. It's right by the Ashbey BART station. They have all the equipment needed to be a proper Lolita, and if they don't, they know how to make it and will gladly help you out. For example, I got an instructional video and a pattern on how to make a period corset. This corset, and pictures, will be made and posted soon. True, I got the fabric and lacing and other such things from other places, but of all the fabric/sewing stores I've gone to they are the only ones that sell steel bones and busks. Also, the have a backroom full of mannequins dressed entirely in Victorian garb, petticoats and hoop skirts hanging from the ceiling, a basket full of parasols, and a table full of tea hats. My heart swelled with joy to be in such a place.
To make matters more spectacular, not a day later did I find the only EGL meetup in all of the bay area. Which, provided I finish the corset, the skirt, and either a tea hat or bows, I will be at. Pictures and copious blogging to follow. I also either have to make food or buy some as it will be a potluck. It's also the same day as Gaskells which means I'll be in Lolita garb ALL DAY. I dare say such a thing is but a dream *flutters*.
Blogs:
In order to write this very post, I had to stop reading my boyfriends blog. Now, he's had this blog since he was about 13 and I realize a few key things about how my boy was when he was young. We were similar people: morbid and emo (but in a less whiny way than actual emo kids), we were both hung up on love, and we mused on life. Contrarily, he was more eloquent and admittedly, a jerk. I tried to be eloquent, and was a pussy. He is a beautiful writer though, fabulous I dare say. Gifted. All the things that I, as one who likes to" paint with pencils" as my mother said, would do with words.
I've come to the conclusion that we should write a children's book. Or rather, he should, and I should illustrate it.
Speaking of blogs though, what would be a good way to make my thoughts more...public? So that I turn up on google searches, and get internet fame and that sort of thing. Obviously, I should post more about goth-y things--clubs, fashion, meetups, et cet but I haven't gone to any of those things, and there aren't many back in Carlisle. I've been meaning to hit the clubs, but I honestly don't think my friends would go with me to, and though a goth club seems like the perfect place to brood in a corner and curse your introversion (especially when surrounded by beautiful people), I know that BART-ing to the city and back would be scary, even for a creature of the night such as myself.
Sprucing:
I'd like to spruce up my blog a bit. Nothing obnoxiously gothy (blood dripping from the scroll bars and the like) but I'm open to suggestions. I'm thinking...Victorian?
Fasting:
I'm considering fasting until I can't stand it any longer for the sake of art. Seeing if it influences me at all. After the piece I'm working on now (which I have roughly 15 days to finish) I honestly would like to draw little to no fantasy works for a while if anymore. But that's all I know...because the fantastic is beautiful, and beauty is art. Perhaps through fasting, I'll find some other sort of subject...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Insomnia confessions
I sit here. In the dark. The wee hours of the morning pass me by, and though I know I should be sleeping as some weird circus-y sounding fife music plays on the radio (perhaps its an organ? the fan is too loud for me to hear it properly...) I cannot. There are many explanations for this, I don't actually have insomnia. It takes me about one half hour to fall asleep, I was watching How I Met Your Mother before bed (stimulation makes my mind race), my clock has been reset due to summer, et cet.
Still, I figured since I was lying awake in such a state this morning, why not write about what I was thinking. If you will give me a moment to sort my thoughts, I will gladly display them for you in zeros and ones converted to a sans-serif font for all to enjoy.
Numero un: I prayed tonight. I consider myself to be spiritual, not religious (like most other tea-drinking-tofu-munching-pilates-doing-bay-area-bread-college-age-females) but they say the power of good intentions can move mountains. Sure, it may all be coincidence, but you don't know that it's not magic. My wish box seems to be on the fritz as it were and so, facing the south direction and invoking the gods of summer, passion, and romance, I prayed. What did I pray for? I honestly cannot tell you. It involves someone I've known since I was 11 and liked since then. Since about 16, I've wished for a moment alone with said person (in which, of course, I was completly calm, cool and collected) that I could use to show them how awesome I was and how perfect of a relationship we could have.
The problem was, he was legaly able to drink when I was 16.
In any event, I am in love now with someone different (my boyfriend...I know it's early, but do I have to spell it out for you?). Thus, a relationship is not what I'm in the market for, but I figure if I could just get one romantic moment alone with him and see for myself if whatever shreads of feelings I have left are worth anything...I could move on. I could either say "hey, he sucks. Why did I care for so long" or (the one I dread more I think) "I still really like him, and we can never be together". Either way, I need to know.
So I prayed. And I cried...the eleven-year-old inside of me particularly pleaded to the gods I guess.
Oh, did I mention he probably has a girlfriend? But there's no way for me to know because he un-friended me on facebook and I have no other way of contacting him...so I have to wait till I see him next and basically spy on him all night...Note (very important note): I'm not trying to break anyone up here. That's just bad karma. If it does turn out he has a girlfriend, I won't make a move (though honestly, knowing me, I probably won't make a move anyway). But uhm...y'know...if he doesn't...I'll walk over to him awkwardly and try to make conversation, insinuating that we should hang out sometime...
Numero deux: On a semi-related note Gaskells is coming up in two weeks. Which means that I have two weeks to make a corset and a poofy skirt. I have a pattern for a ballroom appropriate skirt (complete with drawstring bustle) but minimal sewing experience. And two weeks. My mom is prepairing to go away for two weekends, so she's busy packing and making crafty things, and I really don't think I can tackle this alone...I may have to just make an EGL skirt and wear that plus the corset (which will be made of ducttape...and I figure I just won't put a busk in...) and call it a night. I was thinking I could make a hat as well...the pointy sort, sorta like a Robin Hood hat. Only black with red roses or some such thing. And tea hat sized obviously. Which means I'd have to make my red skirt...In any event, I have a lot of sewing to do.
Numero trois: again, related. There are three people I want to see at the next Gaskells that have similar qualities: a. I have yet to see them at all this summer and b. they're all quite pretty. One has been mentioned (in oh so many words) above. The second (who also has a girlfriend...) is just...so bloody gorgeous...I dare you not to melt upon his gaze....*ahem* anywho. When I see him next, he'll probably say something along the likes of "You look nice love", which I will, because one cannot help but look good in a corset, to which I will say "thanks. You look stunning as always". Yes, I'll say that. In my head. And in my head, he will awkwardly take the comment because he's awkward about comments. Though maybe not so much now. I haven't seen him since last winter, and before that since the summer. In any event, I thought this as I lie awake seeing shooting stars in my ceiling. I realize now, that what I would actually say in this situation is "*flusterfluster*...thanks..." and for a good half hour, I'd ponder if he meant anything by it. Because I am the ponderer.
The third person I met only once. It was the Christmas Gaskells and I was wearing a red lolita dress. He invited me to a goth club that I knew right off I wouldn't go to because none of my friends 'round these parts are of the goth persuasion. And to go into the city at night by your onsies to meet someone you've met once at a club that he might not show up to is downright dangerous. In any event, I tried to set up a "lets go for coffee" type thing, but he was going out of town. This summer, he seems to be busy and sick alot...I'm hoping he'll come to Gaskells...he said he isn't much for dancing though.
I'm perfectly fine with spending the majority of my evening outside watching people waltz and talking. It'll be just like Scottish Country Dance all over again...But less depressing (?).
Numero quatre: I'm keeping firearms away from friends. I have a fear that I'll have to save someone from suicide. The way it plays out in my head is that I do save them, and I'm completly calm about it...but something tells me that, if faced with the situation, there would be lots of screaming that would sound far to accusatory. I don't know why, as I lie here awake, I would think about such a gruseome scenario...my mind wanders to scarry places.
Numero cinq: I fear that when I grow up and try to make a name for myself in the world of psychology, no one will take me seriously because of my facial piercings. Anything on the ears I can hide (which is what I try to explain to people when I say I want to get my ears elf'd) but even if I take my piercings out, the holes will still be there...and will look weird without something in them. Am I doomed to be a bum with awesome lip rings?
I believe that's about it. Most other things were snippets..."oh that's how I'll make the corset...why am I so awkward...HIMYM is amazing..." that sort of thing. I bid you goodnight. I must wake up in about 9 hours to walk to bart...
Still, I figured since I was lying awake in such a state this morning, why not write about what I was thinking. If you will give me a moment to sort my thoughts, I will gladly display them for you in zeros and ones converted to a sans-serif font for all to enjoy.
Numero un: I prayed tonight. I consider myself to be spiritual, not religious (like most other tea-drinking-tofu-munching-pilates-doing-bay-area-bread-college-age-females) but they say the power of good intentions can move mountains. Sure, it may all be coincidence, but you don't know that it's not magic. My wish box seems to be on the fritz as it were and so, facing the south direction and invoking the gods of summer, passion, and romance, I prayed. What did I pray for? I honestly cannot tell you. It involves someone I've known since I was 11 and liked since then. Since about 16, I've wished for a moment alone with said person (in which, of course, I was completly calm, cool and collected) that I could use to show them how awesome I was and how perfect of a relationship we could have.
The problem was, he was legaly able to drink when I was 16.
In any event, I am in love now with someone different (my boyfriend...I know it's early, but do I have to spell it out for you?). Thus, a relationship is not what I'm in the market for, but I figure if I could just get one romantic moment alone with him and see for myself if whatever shreads of feelings I have left are worth anything...I could move on. I could either say "hey, he sucks. Why did I care for so long" or (the one I dread more I think) "I still really like him, and we can never be together". Either way, I need to know.
So I prayed. And I cried...the eleven-year-old inside of me particularly pleaded to the gods I guess.
Oh, did I mention he probably has a girlfriend? But there's no way for me to know because he un-friended me on facebook and I have no other way of contacting him...so I have to wait till I see him next and basically spy on him all night...Note (very important note): I'm not trying to break anyone up here. That's just bad karma. If it does turn out he has a girlfriend, I won't make a move (though honestly, knowing me, I probably won't make a move anyway). But uhm...y'know...if he doesn't...I'll walk over to him awkwardly and try to make conversation, insinuating that we should hang out sometime...
Numero deux: On a semi-related note Gaskells is coming up in two weeks. Which means that I have two weeks to make a corset and a poofy skirt. I have a pattern for a ballroom appropriate skirt (complete with drawstring bustle) but minimal sewing experience. And two weeks. My mom is prepairing to go away for two weekends, so she's busy packing and making crafty things, and I really don't think I can tackle this alone...I may have to just make an EGL skirt and wear that plus the corset (which will be made of ducttape...and I figure I just won't put a busk in...) and call it a night. I was thinking I could make a hat as well...the pointy sort, sorta like a Robin Hood hat. Only black with red roses or some such thing. And tea hat sized obviously. Which means I'd have to make my red skirt...In any event, I have a lot of sewing to do.
Numero trois: again, related. There are three people I want to see at the next Gaskells that have similar qualities: a. I have yet to see them at all this summer and b. they're all quite pretty. One has been mentioned (in oh so many words) above. The second (who also has a girlfriend...) is just...so bloody gorgeous...I dare you not to melt upon his gaze....*ahem* anywho. When I see him next, he'll probably say something along the likes of "You look nice love", which I will, because one cannot help but look good in a corset, to which I will say "thanks. You look stunning as always". Yes, I'll say that. In my head. And in my head, he will awkwardly take the comment because he's awkward about comments. Though maybe not so much now. I haven't seen him since last winter, and before that since the summer. In any event, I thought this as I lie awake seeing shooting stars in my ceiling. I realize now, that what I would actually say in this situation is "*flusterfluster*...thanks..." and for a good half hour, I'd ponder if he meant anything by it. Because I am the ponderer.
The third person I met only once. It was the Christmas Gaskells and I was wearing a red lolita dress. He invited me to a goth club that I knew right off I wouldn't go to because none of my friends 'round these parts are of the goth persuasion. And to go into the city at night by your onsies to meet someone you've met once at a club that he might not show up to is downright dangerous. In any event, I tried to set up a "lets go for coffee" type thing, but he was going out of town. This summer, he seems to be busy and sick alot...I'm hoping he'll come to Gaskells...he said he isn't much for dancing though.
I'm perfectly fine with spending the majority of my evening outside watching people waltz and talking. It'll be just like Scottish Country Dance all over again...But less depressing (?).
Numero quatre: I'm keeping firearms away from friends. I have a fear that I'll have to save someone from suicide. The way it plays out in my head is that I do save them, and I'm completly calm about it...but something tells me that, if faced with the situation, there would be lots of screaming that would sound far to accusatory. I don't know why, as I lie here awake, I would think about such a gruseome scenario...my mind wanders to scarry places.
Numero cinq: I fear that when I grow up and try to make a name for myself in the world of psychology, no one will take me seriously because of my facial piercings. Anything on the ears I can hide (which is what I try to explain to people when I say I want to get my ears elf'd) but even if I take my piercings out, the holes will still be there...and will look weird without something in them. Am I doomed to be a bum with awesome lip rings?
I believe that's about it. Most other things were snippets..."oh that's how I'll make the corset...why am I so awkward...HIMYM is amazing..." that sort of thing. I bid you goodnight. I must wake up in about 9 hours to walk to bart...
Monday, June 8, 2009
Childhood confessions
For no particular reason, I think about my childhood periodically. It was a lovely time in my life, albeit very short. I think after about age 7 (and for sure after age 9) I felt...mature. Of course, I look back and realize how stupid I was, but at the time I felt like I could easily take care of myself.
Recently, as you probably know, I've been looking for jobs. My mom suggested working with children and I realized that I can't connect with children....they're...weird. And...childish. I mean, obviously they're childish but I mean when a kid goes "lets play pretend!" I'm like "cool...uhm...what do we do?"
Its rather terrible really. Children might be in my future (not immediate obviously, but after college, gradschool and opening my own practice...getting financially stable, et cet) and it'll probably be better if they're my children, but what if it sucks?
On the other hand, I'm starting a list of children's shows that rock so hard that my kids will HAVE to watch them:
* electric company
* jane and the dragon
* sailor moon
* sesame street
* allegra's window
* kratt's creatures
* bill nye
* the magic school bus
* eureka's castle
* adventures in odyesy (not for the christian-ness, but because it's just awesome)
* and of course zoobile zoo
Sorry for the blathering.
Recently, as you probably know, I've been looking for jobs. My mom suggested working with children and I realized that I can't connect with children....they're...weird. And...childish. I mean, obviously they're childish but I mean when a kid goes "lets play pretend!" I'm like "cool...uhm...what do we do?"
Its rather terrible really. Children might be in my future (not immediate obviously, but after college, gradschool and opening my own practice...getting financially stable, et cet) and it'll probably be better if they're my children, but what if it sucks?
On the other hand, I'm starting a list of children's shows that rock so hard that my kids will HAVE to watch them:
* electric company
* jane and the dragon
* sailor moon
* sesame street
* allegra's window
* kratt's creatures
* bill nye
* the magic school bus
* eureka's castle
* adventures in odyesy (not for the christian-ness, but because it's just awesome)
* and of course zoobile zoo
Sorry for the blathering.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
This one is for Sam.
Dear men,
I urge you. Grow out your hair. The ladies will be all over you.
Point #1: Jesus Christ had long hair.
Point #2: Voldemort had NO HAIR.
Point #3: There is no number three. If you have long hair, you don't need a number 3.
So do it. Do it now.
~<3
I urge you. Grow out your hair. The ladies will be all over you.
Point #1: Jesus Christ had long hair.
Point #2: Voldemort had NO HAIR.
Point #3: There is no number three. If you have long hair, you don't need a number 3.
So do it. Do it now.
~<3
Friday, May 29, 2009
Dream Confessions
I've been having odd dreams lately that I can only remember snippets of. Last night, my dream had something to do with me riding a bike....there was a terrier as well that acted more like a cat...then I was at the airport. I was coming back from some place and waiting to board the plane when this fleet of tall skinny boys in swanky blazers and khakis came up and waited to board too. One had a brown ponytail, and one had a mop top of blonde hair.
I decided to approach the blonde one. Usually, when I muster up the courage to talk to someone, I comment on something they're wearing or a tattoo or what-have-you...but there was nothing particularly special about him. I went through the litany in my head...no piercings, no tattoos...finally I settled on asking him where he was headed. He said California. Excitedly, I inquired as to which part of California he was going to and he named a city similar to Arcata and I said that it was far from Berkeley...but that he should call me if he was ever in the area.
We were leaning on a desk and the plane was about to board. He asked me what my number was, pulled out a pencil and started writing on the screen of his phone. Here, I said, Let me do it, and I entered it into his phone. I reinterated the fact that he should call me and he wavered a bit, then said ok, swiftly and quickly kissing me on the lips.
Score.
He got back in line to board. I realized that I didn't know what his name was, and as I walked past him I asked. The words he said were reflected in his eyes. Well, only one eye. I can't remember exactly what it was that he said, but his name started with a J and it was hard to pronounce...I asked if I could call him something different, then woke up.
This is the second dream of this sort that I've had recently. I don't quite know why I'm able to flirt so smoothly in my dreams as opposed to in real life...
I decided to approach the blonde one. Usually, when I muster up the courage to talk to someone, I comment on something they're wearing or a tattoo or what-have-you...but there was nothing particularly special about him. I went through the litany in my head...no piercings, no tattoos...finally I settled on asking him where he was headed. He said California. Excitedly, I inquired as to which part of California he was going to and he named a city similar to Arcata and I said that it was far from Berkeley...but that he should call me if he was ever in the area.
We were leaning on a desk and the plane was about to board. He asked me what my number was, pulled out a pencil and started writing on the screen of his phone. Here, I said, Let me do it, and I entered it into his phone. I reinterated the fact that he should call me and he wavered a bit, then said ok, swiftly and quickly kissing me on the lips.
Score.
He got back in line to board. I realized that I didn't know what his name was, and as I walked past him I asked. The words he said were reflected in his eyes. Well, only one eye. I can't remember exactly what it was that he said, but his name started with a J and it was hard to pronounce...I asked if I could call him something different, then woke up.
This is the second dream of this sort that I've had recently. I don't quite know why I'm able to flirt so smoothly in my dreams as opposed to in real life...
Friday, May 15, 2009
Summery Sewing Secrets
Points for alliteration...
This goth knows how to sew now. Do you know what that means? A whole new world of cheaper clothing has opened to me...:D
I think next semester, my roommate and I are going to get a sewing machine.
Also, since I am on summer break, I think there are a few more things that I need to get started on:
1. I need a job.
2. I need to learn to drive
3. I need to learn to flirt
I think that's it.
Oh, I'm on my way to being a psych major! I can declare now! You should be proud. In fact, you should send me petticoats and corsets in celebration.
This goth knows how to sew now. Do you know what that means? A whole new world of cheaper clothing has opened to me...:D
I think next semester, my roommate and I are going to get a sewing machine.
Also, since I am on summer break, I think there are a few more things that I need to get started on:
1. I need a job.
2. I need to learn to drive
3. I need to learn to flirt
I think that's it.
Oh, I'm on my way to being a psych major! I can declare now! You should be proud. In fact, you should send me petticoats and corsets in celebration.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Hair Confessions
I have a long hair fetish. Yes, I admit it.
One of my best friends here (if not my best friend) has long bluish hair. She was standing outside of her window in a bathing suit top and flowy skirt and she looked like a mermaid...that's when I realized I had a thing for her which could be potentially dangerous since we're gonna be rooming together next semester...
A guy back home had a beautiful curly ponytail. Then he cut it off. I thought I wouldn't be in love with him anymore if he did so, but that's a lie. That's good, at least I know I'm not shallow. That's also bad, I won't ever be able to be with him.
My boyfriend (whose hair is growing out on my command) threatened to cut off the ponytail of a lad who seems to be the source of a few of my woes. That was until he did it himself. Again, I figured I wouldn't like him if he did that, but that too is a lie.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
On a completely different note, I apologize for the amount of dumb boy problems and bitchitude that seem to have found their way into this blog. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, but I don't have anything else to write about...
...except for the safety pin in my nose which my nose doesn't seem to like (sea salt soaks awaaay!) and the fact that I completly hand stiched a sailor moon costume for a party on saturday night. That means, I think, that it is time to make more skirts for my lolita collection. Oh yess...
Because practice makes perfect. And I don't have enough practice on skirt making. I gotta go to ross and get some sheets to make into skirts I think. Any suggestions on what sort of stiches to use?
One of my best friends here (if not my best friend) has long bluish hair. She was standing outside of her window in a bathing suit top and flowy skirt and she looked like a mermaid...that's when I realized I had a thing for her which could be potentially dangerous since we're gonna be rooming together next semester...
A guy back home had a beautiful curly ponytail. Then he cut it off. I thought I wouldn't be in love with him anymore if he did so, but that's a lie. That's good, at least I know I'm not shallow. That's also bad, I won't ever be able to be with him.
My boyfriend (whose hair is growing out on my command) threatened to cut off the ponytail of a lad who seems to be the source of a few of my woes. That was until he did it himself. Again, I figured I wouldn't like him if he did that, but that too is a lie.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
On a completely different note, I apologize for the amount of dumb boy problems and bitchitude that seem to have found their way into this blog. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, but I don't have anything else to write about...
...except for the safety pin in my nose which my nose doesn't seem to like (sea salt soaks awaaay!) and the fact that I completly hand stiched a sailor moon costume for a party on saturday night. That means, I think, that it is time to make more skirts for my lolita collection. Oh yess...
Because practice makes perfect. And I don't have enough practice on skirt making. I gotta go to ross and get some sheets to make into skirts I think. Any suggestions on what sort of stiches to use?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
My Corset Proves my Virtue
Emilie Autumn got it totally wrong.
On an unrelated note, two introverts don't make good conversation. And yet...his eyes were so blue and reminded me of fish. I couldn't read him at all and that made me nervous and fidgety.
I apologize.
Off to sewing.
On an unrelated note, two introverts don't make good conversation. And yet...his eyes were so blue and reminded me of fish. I couldn't read him at all and that made me nervous and fidgety.
I apologize.
Off to sewing.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Notes to Self
1. Spring here is not actually spring:
For a total of two days, it was above 60 degrees. I walked outside, it was warm, it was sunny, I was (am) in love...the day couldn't get any better. I was happy, a sort of elated feeling that I hand't felt since I'd been home. I didn't even realize that I had been depressed until the sun came out again.
Then it got cold .
Spring here is a lie.
2. When you find a guy attractive...
...don't get attached in any way unless it's guaranteed that he'll be attached back (i. o. w: there are no other possibilities or dare I say competition). That way, when you wake up in the middle of the night and hear him crying to your friend about how much he likes her, you won't be torn between your bitch side and your psychologist side. Also, YOU will be considered the immature one when you flip the fuck out after they hook up with your buddies. Especially if you have a boyfriend...apparently you're not allowed to care about two people at once.
Also, don't introduce them to your cute friends. Or any of your friends with ovaries. Or dicks for that matter. Not until you've sealed the deal so to speak.
a. On a subset of this whole "boys" idea: you CANNOT be the girl who turns heads. It isn't your fate. As a be-pierced and be-dyed individual, it is true that heads do turn when I enter the room, but it really isn't for the reason I want. I want people to be utterly dumbstruck from my sheer beauty and grace. I want them to line up to ask me for a dance. What I'd really love would to be that person who walks down the staircase poised yet shy, strong yet demure, hair dyed perfectly, corset perfectly fitted, gloves straight....
...and as I enter the room, there is a hush. The tap tap tap of my boots echoes as I cross the dancefloor and I feel the electricity as people wonder who they will have to come to blows with in order to even get close to me.
But no. Believe me, I've walked into many a place like that and been virtually ignored.
My fate is to be the listener. The quiet shoulder to cry on, the soft lap to fling yourself into. Not the beauty who causes problems, the matron who fixes them.
3. One must learn to adapt anywhere.
Yes couples are annoying. I'm probably part of a terribly annoying one myself. But welling up with anger, embarassment, jealousy and sadness every time you see a particularly annoying one won't solve anything. Espcially if, say, you were at a party. In which case you'd probably be drunk anyway, so what does it matter?
4. At least I know how to Iron
I don't know what I can offer in relationships (except for excessive spazing and more crying that you signed up for. Oh, and lets not forget that good ol' freaking out for no reason). I can cook I guess, but I can't clean or sew or deal with kids or do any of that domestic stuff. Part of being a proper lady I think (aside from learning to dance, manners, writing, drawing, learning an instrument, knowing at least one other language, being well read, being able to hold a conversation....et cet) has a lot to do with being useful around the house. Not so you could be a pushover and do all the work while the person you live with sits around, but so you can be a dynamic duo (or trio or whatever, depending on who all you live with). I really can't work with kids...Irish wolfhounds, sure, but not kids. I hate cleaning, and I can't sew. I can repair, but I can't sew.
But at least I can iron.
5. Learn to like to need.
I need a lot as it is. Or rather, I want a lot. I hate needing, espcially when it involves other people and yet I need him. Shaun. My boyfriend. I absolutely need him and it shakes me to my very core. We've been dating for 7 months and...I feel as though we belong together. I want to stay with him for a very long time and yet I see our paths diverging. He wants to save the world, he has a big picture to make the world more green and better for the working individual and I...
I am the listner, not the savior.
For a total of two days, it was above 60 degrees. I walked outside, it was warm, it was sunny, I was (am) in love...the day couldn't get any better. I was happy, a sort of elated feeling that I hand't felt since I'd been home. I didn't even realize that I had been depressed until the sun came out again.
Then it got cold .
Spring here is a lie.
2. When you find a guy attractive...
...don't get attached in any way unless it's guaranteed that he'll be attached back (i. o. w: there are no other possibilities or dare I say competition). That way, when you wake up in the middle of the night and hear him crying to your friend about how much he likes her, you won't be torn between your bitch side and your psychologist side. Also, YOU will be considered the immature one when you flip the fuck out after they hook up with your buddies. Especially if you have a boyfriend...apparently you're not allowed to care about two people at once.
Also, don't introduce them to your cute friends. Or any of your friends with ovaries. Or dicks for that matter. Not until you've sealed the deal so to speak.
a. On a subset of this whole "boys" idea: you CANNOT be the girl who turns heads. It isn't your fate. As a be-pierced and be-dyed individual, it is true that heads do turn when I enter the room, but it really isn't for the reason I want. I want people to be utterly dumbstruck from my sheer beauty and grace. I want them to line up to ask me for a dance. What I'd really love would to be that person who walks down the staircase poised yet shy, strong yet demure, hair dyed perfectly, corset perfectly fitted, gloves straight....
...and as I enter the room, there is a hush. The tap tap tap of my boots echoes as I cross the dancefloor and I feel the electricity as people wonder who they will have to come to blows with in order to even get close to me.
But no. Believe me, I've walked into many a place like that and been virtually ignored.
My fate is to be the listener. The quiet shoulder to cry on, the soft lap to fling yourself into. Not the beauty who causes problems, the matron who fixes them.
3. One must learn to adapt anywhere.
Yes couples are annoying. I'm probably part of a terribly annoying one myself. But welling up with anger, embarassment, jealousy and sadness every time you see a particularly annoying one won't solve anything. Espcially if, say, you were at a party. In which case you'd probably be drunk anyway, so what does it matter?
4. At least I know how to Iron
I don't know what I can offer in relationships (except for excessive spazing and more crying that you signed up for. Oh, and lets not forget that good ol' freaking out for no reason). I can cook I guess, but I can't clean or sew or deal with kids or do any of that domestic stuff. Part of being a proper lady I think (aside from learning to dance, manners, writing, drawing, learning an instrument, knowing at least one other language, being well read, being able to hold a conversation....et cet) has a lot to do with being useful around the house. Not so you could be a pushover and do all the work while the person you live with sits around, but so you can be a dynamic duo (or trio or whatever, depending on who all you live with). I really can't work with kids...Irish wolfhounds, sure, but not kids. I hate cleaning, and I can't sew. I can repair, but I can't sew.
But at least I can iron.
5. Learn to like to need.
I need a lot as it is. Or rather, I want a lot. I hate needing, espcially when it involves other people and yet I need him. Shaun. My boyfriend. I absolutely need him and it shakes me to my very core. We've been dating for 7 months and...I feel as though we belong together. I want to stay with him for a very long time and yet I see our paths diverging. He wants to save the world, he has a big picture to make the world more green and better for the working individual and I...
I am the listner, not the savior.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Jealousy
Misery.
Envy.
I was with a guy last night, for a long time. Me and a friend. He's cute, really cute. Gorgeous I dare say. And I've been with him once before. For some reason, I cannot tell you what...the jealousy my friends felt, the smell of his tobacco...I wanted him again. And again and again.
But no amount of cleavage can compare to adorable.
My friend is adorable. Small, cute hair, cute face...they have a lot in common. Spoke to eachother in Japanese (at which, I can hardly even call myself a noob considering I know a few words and maybe two hiragana) when they could...honestly.
I had a strategy, oh yes I did. I plan. I scheme. I'm a cutthroat bitch when it comes to boys and do you know why? Because that's the only way for someone like me, too large, entirely too large, to snag a lad. Aye indeed, last time I didn't even have to try, but now....how do you compete with someone so cute? Hell, I'd choose her over me.
Though I'd choose most anyone over me.
I was never alone with him. And I'm too shy to make a move in front of someone. Even if I did, I know how a threesome would work out. He'd make out with me for a bit then move on to her and I'd sit awkwardly and watch hoping, praying for her to vanish.
As I did most of the night.
Finally, at around 7 when I realized that neither she nor he were going to leave and that I was too cold and too sleepy to fake like I was having fun, I left.
The things I put people through. I'm a horrible human being. Both asked if I was alright, and of course I answered yes and continued to sulk as I do. Finally I rid them of myself...why do I ooze such negative energy...why even ask, I know the answer. I wanted him to pull me aside and ask me what was wrong, then perhaps I'd burst into tears and he'd comfort me and kiss them away and she would be the awkward one for once, not I.
But even her awkwardness is cute. She's made of cute.
I couldn't sleep when I came back to my dorm. I nearly threw up twice. And my nose crusted over. I'm trying not to be sick anymore...perhaps it was my constant coughing last night that was a major turnoff.
And why do I care? I am in love with another, we plan our lives together constantly. Shouldn't I be content in the fact that at least I have one boy who will choose me over cute girls?
Then why do I feel like crying...
Envy.
I was with a guy last night, for a long time. Me and a friend. He's cute, really cute. Gorgeous I dare say. And I've been with him once before. For some reason, I cannot tell you what...the jealousy my friends felt, the smell of his tobacco...I wanted him again. And again and again.
But no amount of cleavage can compare to adorable.
My friend is adorable. Small, cute hair, cute face...they have a lot in common. Spoke to eachother in Japanese (at which, I can hardly even call myself a noob considering I know a few words and maybe two hiragana) when they could...honestly.
I had a strategy, oh yes I did. I plan. I scheme. I'm a cutthroat bitch when it comes to boys and do you know why? Because that's the only way for someone like me, too large, entirely too large, to snag a lad. Aye indeed, last time I didn't even have to try, but now....how do you compete with someone so cute? Hell, I'd choose her over me.
Though I'd choose most anyone over me.
I was never alone with him. And I'm too shy to make a move in front of someone. Even if I did, I know how a threesome would work out. He'd make out with me for a bit then move on to her and I'd sit awkwardly and watch hoping, praying for her to vanish.
As I did most of the night.
Finally, at around 7 when I realized that neither she nor he were going to leave and that I was too cold and too sleepy to fake like I was having fun, I left.
The things I put people through. I'm a horrible human being. Both asked if I was alright, and of course I answered yes and continued to sulk as I do. Finally I rid them of myself...why do I ooze such negative energy...why even ask, I know the answer. I wanted him to pull me aside and ask me what was wrong, then perhaps I'd burst into tears and he'd comfort me and kiss them away and she would be the awkward one for once, not I.
But even her awkwardness is cute. She's made of cute.
I couldn't sleep when I came back to my dorm. I nearly threw up twice. And my nose crusted over. I'm trying not to be sick anymore...perhaps it was my constant coughing last night that was a major turnoff.
And why do I care? I am in love with another, we plan our lives together constantly. Shouldn't I be content in the fact that at least I have one boy who will choose me over cute girls?
Then why do I feel like crying...
Friday, February 27, 2009
Nails
Operation grow my nails out has failed. Miserably. I can't help but pick at them...
So I had one ragged one today and I scratched myself on my chest with it. Unintentionally of course. The scratch welted up, and I kinda like the way the line looks...
So now I contemplate scarification. Time to research.
So I had one ragged one today and I scratched myself on my chest with it. Unintentionally of course. The scratch welted up, and I kinda like the way the line looks...
So now I contemplate scarification. Time to research.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Neuroscience Confessions
As you all know, my loyal readers, I am sick. Laryngitis and possibly influenza...that would explain the fever, the coughing, the sneezing, the sniffles, and the lack of voice. Though I must admit, I love the sound of my voice when it isn't there.
In any event, I was lying in bed yesterday after brain and behavior attempting to take a nap. My heart was absolutely pounding and I wasn't quite sure why. I figured flu+racing heart=death. Yes my dears, I thought I was going to die.
And I wasn't the least bit fazed. I thought that it would be unfortunate, as there are many things I have yet to do, but at least I wouldn't have to take anymore tests or write anymore papers.
I realized not only when I woke up, but also when I felt a bit better, that if I was going to die, I probably would have felt more afraid. But as I always say "I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to be killed". Dying of a natural cause...or rather dying without pain would, I think, be peaceful. Like the coolness of an autum breeze or some such thing.
You see, I feel that life is like a synapse. Your parents creating you is the action potential, and the body you're born in is naught but a vesicle. A vesicle for the soul that is.
Soon, you are born. We can imagine that being like the release of calcium into the presynaptic nerve and the release of neurotransmitters would be you. And you float on across the synaptic cleft until you reach that postsynaptic nerve. You sigh your last sigh and release the neurotransmitter that is your soul into the atmosphere.
This next part gets a bit tricky...the soul is then (I think at least) treated like acetocholyne but not exactly like it. The soul holds all your memories from previous encarnations, but bits are broken off and re-attached to the same soul, but in such a way that the new vesicle can't access them. Could you imagine remembering everything from your past life? Your mind would explode. We're not programed for that kind of thing...
In any event, yes. There's my theory for all you science-y types. Feel free to hypothesize--oh wait, you can't! Science only answeres answerable questions. Riiight, I forgot...
In any event, I was lying in bed yesterday after brain and behavior attempting to take a nap. My heart was absolutely pounding and I wasn't quite sure why. I figured flu+racing heart=death. Yes my dears, I thought I was going to die.
And I wasn't the least bit fazed. I thought that it would be unfortunate, as there are many things I have yet to do, but at least I wouldn't have to take anymore tests or write anymore papers.
I realized not only when I woke up, but also when I felt a bit better, that if I was going to die, I probably would have felt more afraid. But as I always say "I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to be killed". Dying of a natural cause...or rather dying without pain would, I think, be peaceful. Like the coolness of an autum breeze or some such thing.
You see, I feel that life is like a synapse. Your parents creating you is the action potential, and the body you're born in is naught but a vesicle. A vesicle for the soul that is.
Soon, you are born. We can imagine that being like the release of calcium into the presynaptic nerve and the release of neurotransmitters would be you. And you float on across the synaptic cleft until you reach that postsynaptic nerve. You sigh your last sigh and release the neurotransmitter that is your soul into the atmosphere.
This next part gets a bit tricky...the soul is then (I think at least) treated like acetocholyne but not exactly like it. The soul holds all your memories from previous encarnations, but bits are broken off and re-attached to the same soul, but in such a way that the new vesicle can't access them. Could you imagine remembering everything from your past life? Your mind would explode. We're not programed for that kind of thing...
In any event, yes. There's my theory for all you science-y types. Feel free to hypothesize--oh wait, you can't! Science only answeres answerable questions. Riiight, I forgot...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Malady confessions
I've lost my voice...Something weird is going around on campus, and I do believe I've gotten it. What a shame.
Runny nose, pain in my chest, coughing, sneezing and a lack of a voice. On top of that I have a neuroscience practical and a psych paper due next week.
And I really want some wine.
And to be home in CA.
But that, I suppose, is for another time. Home will come soon enough.
Runny nose, pain in my chest, coughing, sneezing and a lack of a voice. On top of that I have a neuroscience practical and a psych paper due next week.
And I really want some wine.
And to be home in CA.
But that, I suppose, is for another time. Home will come soon enough.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Interlude
I haven't abandoned you bloggy dearest, I've just been busy getting my psychology on.
And trying to get a rave together for my school.
Hopefully in the future, I'll have time to write here more.
Till then~
And trying to get a rave together for my school.
Hopefully in the future, I'll have time to write here more.
Till then~
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sporty Confessions
This goth doesn't like sports.
Well...most of them. I never really have, mostly because I was never a fast runner. No one out and out teased me for being fat, but I heard their laughter. I was always the slowest on the mile, the slowest to play tag, the slowest period. Picked nearly last et cet.
So I hate sports because I'm no good at them. And they're kinda boring. All sorts of rules and people to yell at when they get something wrong.
Now, if you extend sports to mean things like fencing and archery and highland dancing, then I'm lying. I like some sports. Mostly the sports where you don't have to deal with other people.
But then we must narrow it down even more and look at the one sport that shines out like a beacon of light amongst all the others. And that sport, ladies and gentlemen, girlies, laddies, and the like, is RUGBY!
I FUCKING WANT TO PLAY RUGBY!
It's so hardcore. SO HARDCORE! Must...play...
I swear to god, when I get a house and a TV and an Irish Wolfhound (more on that in a later post) I'm going to get BBC sport just so I can watch Rugby.
Why the obsession, you say? Because you like stripes: no, but I do. And rugby tees are kinda cute. Because rugby guys are cute: it's quite possible, and is usually the reason I get into something, but in this case no. Because you saw it in a movie and thought it was cool: no...never seen a movie with rugby in it. Because you just want to be in a scrum: kinda...kinda yah.
But mostly I have no idea. I just want to.
That's it for now. I'm going to go try to start a rugby team at my school.
p.s: watch this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AEdNd50gNY
Well...most of them. I never really have, mostly because I was never a fast runner. No one out and out teased me for being fat, but I heard their laughter. I was always the slowest on the mile, the slowest to play tag, the slowest period. Picked nearly last et cet.
So I hate sports because I'm no good at them. And they're kinda boring. All sorts of rules and people to yell at when they get something wrong.
Now, if you extend sports to mean things like fencing and archery and highland dancing, then I'm lying. I like some sports. Mostly the sports where you don't have to deal with other people.
But then we must narrow it down even more and look at the one sport that shines out like a beacon of light amongst all the others. And that sport, ladies and gentlemen, girlies, laddies, and the like, is RUGBY!
I FUCKING WANT TO PLAY RUGBY!
It's so hardcore. SO HARDCORE! Must...play...
I swear to god, when I get a house and a TV and an Irish Wolfhound (more on that in a later post) I'm going to get BBC sport just so I can watch Rugby.
Why the obsession, you say? Because you like stripes: no, but I do. And rugby tees are kinda cute. Because rugby guys are cute: it's quite possible, and is usually the reason I get into something, but in this case no. Because you saw it in a movie and thought it was cool: no...never seen a movie with rugby in it. Because you just want to be in a scrum: kinda...kinda yah.
But mostly I have no idea. I just want to.
That's it for now. I'm going to go try to start a rugby team at my school.
p.s: watch this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AEdNd50gNY
Monday, February 9, 2009
A Three for One
Yes, that's right. Today and (perhaps) today only, I have just for you (yes YOU) a three for one special! That's right, three confessions for the blogging price of one!
First of all, before I went to work, I had a serious body-mod kick. Not that I went and got like a billion tattoos (too painful all at once, I don't have the money, AND I have some commitments to keep first), but...well, it all started with facebook...the site had a link to body jewelry, and I had to click it. What sort of person would I be if I didn't? Anyway, there I went, I saw that they had microdermal jewelry, and I wondered to myself how one would go about changing it...you wouldn't, right?
Well I had to check the wikipedia entry. And no. No you do not change them. Because that would involve ripping the skin out of your face or where ever it is...
In any event, there was a link to the entry on body mods, and as there were too few pictures, I had to go forth and google search 'em. I got a lot of entries for cars 'round page six, but the ones in the beginning were pretty freakin' amazing. Aside from the usual awesome ones of the tribal guys with the plates in their lips, there were a few others that were just stupendous! All of these pictures are safe for work, and involve minimal blood. And I'll tell you about 'em before I post 'em. Also, I don't own any of 'em, and if you are the person and you want me to take 'em down, I will be more than happy to do so.
This person has HORNS! FUCKING HORNS! I don't think you can get much cooler than that. I also don't think I have the nads to do something so awesome, but if I did, you'd better believe I'd have horns. They can rock 'em too.
There are a few body mods that I will never do. Getting my tongue split is one of them. Honestly, they make me feel kinda queezy. Now, this person doesn't actually have a zipper peircing...that shits been shopped, but it's kinda cool anyway. And yes, the ability to waggle different sides of your tongue independently is appealing, but I'll leave that to youguys *points*.
Ear tattoos! Of course! Ok, I think ear tattoos are adorable, and I would totally get one, but I wear my hair in front of my ears a lot...though...I guess if I had an ear tattoo, I wouldn't. In any event, I saw one where someone had a feathery design on the lobe of their ear, it was really cool looking. I wonder though how it would look after stretching...hmm. Anyway, this is definately a will consider.
Now this last one is perhaps the coolest one yet, and something that I would seriously, seriously consider. Elf ears. That's right you guys, elf ears. Perminate, non falling off-ish, non skin tone matching-y elf ears. Do you know how hard I'd get elf ears? And how awesome of an industrial I'd get through 'em? Well, only one side. Only on the left side. In any event, I'd really, truely love to be an old elf lady with silver dreads. I kinda wish my ears were like that naturally, but since they aren't...
Next on the list of confessions is language. I love language. As I always say, if language was a person...I'd tap that so hard. But I must confess, I have no dicipline when it comes to learning language. I've tried multiple times (and fail'd multiple times) to teach myself Japanese. Not that it stops me *fingers new book from the library* but yes, it's not gonna be easy. See, I either need someone to learn it with, or someone to teach it to me and make me do homework and such. And I know what you're thinking: "you're a college goth! Take a damn class!" I tried, but the teacher was BATSHIT INSANE. I think it'll be better once my boyfriend and I have a chance to learn it together...if not this semester, then over the summer.
Where did your obsession with languages come from, pray tell? Well mysterious audience member, I'm glad you asked. I don't really know...I suppose I've just always wanted to know all the languages in the world. I suppose it started with an obsession with accents (which I've probably had since I was about 3 or so). Of course, accents lead to different languages, and when I started to find certain accents attractive, I suppose I found those languages attractive as well. Though...english isn't really a different language. I remember one weekend in 6th grade when I tried to teach myself Latin and Greek. Didn't work out too well. But still, the inspiration was there! And I've been trying to learn Japanese since I was about 9 or 10 when Sailor Moon first came into my life...I admit, my obsession with Japan did start with anime. But every girl has to have a role model right?
I'm rambling. I have podcasts to download to teach me vocabulary so I can sound smarter in my blog posts and in my conversations because really, I aim to sound like an educated lady with a few languages under my belt by the time I get my Psy D in.
Now, I was going to have some awesome last confession, but I can't remember what it was. Never you worry your pretty little head, you'll get your last confession, it just won't be the original confession I was going to confess to you. The ultimate confession for this evening will be about the weather and the times of day. Now, one would assume that a goth would be a creature of the night. Temperature wise...probably cold for more jackets and pants with buckles, but it really depends. This goth likes all weather and all times of day. I only really realize this on days like yesterday when it's 50 degrees after it being terribly cold...the birds are singing and there is not a cloud in the sky. Those are the days that I feel most comfortable, and the days that I feel the happiest. I suppose it dates back to when I was little, and after I would get sick when it rained, I would feel better when it was sunny.
Don't get me wrong. A warm summer night is the perfect time to wander around a forest and scare the crap outta people. But I like days as well as nights. The times I don't like are from about 5am to 10am...that's the time when you know you won't be falling back asleep and the time that you need to leave by. It's also the time that you need to be up by and the time you can't sleep in till. Worst of all, it's the time at night that you want to keep the light at bay as much as possible, but it just keeps coming...
Yes, I do admit, part of me wishes for eternal darkness. Eternal darkness and full moons. And I suppose to live by a fores with a running stream that will forever catch the moonlight. No matter how Victorian I want to be, I'll always be a bodice lacin', ivy wreath wearin', may pole dancin' lass at heart.
First of all, before I went to work, I had a serious body-mod kick. Not that I went and got like a billion tattoos (too painful all at once, I don't have the money, AND I have some commitments to keep first), but...well, it all started with facebook...the site had a link to body jewelry, and I had to click it. What sort of person would I be if I didn't? Anyway, there I went, I saw that they had microdermal jewelry, and I wondered to myself how one would go about changing it...you wouldn't, right?
Well I had to check the wikipedia entry. And no. No you do not change them. Because that would involve ripping the skin out of your face or where ever it is...
In any event, there was a link to the entry on body mods, and as there were too few pictures, I had to go forth and google search 'em. I got a lot of entries for cars 'round page six, but the ones in the beginning were pretty freakin' amazing. Aside from the usual awesome ones of the tribal guys with the plates in their lips, there were a few others that were just stupendous! All of these pictures are safe for work, and involve minimal blood. And I'll tell you about 'em before I post 'em. Also, I don't own any of 'em, and if you are the person and you want me to take 'em down, I will be more than happy to do so.
This person has HORNS! FUCKING HORNS! I don't think you can get much cooler than that. I also don't think I have the nads to do something so awesome, but if I did, you'd better believe I'd have horns. They can rock 'em too.There are a few body mods that I will never do. Getting my tongue split is one of them. Honestly, they make me feel kinda queezy. Now, this person doesn't actually have a zipper peircing...that shits been shopped, but it's kinda cool anyway. And yes, the ability to waggle different sides of your tongue independently is appealing, but I'll leave that to youguys *points*.Ear tattoos! Of course! Ok, I think ear tattoos are adorable, and I would totally get one, but I wear my hair in front of my ears a lot...though...I guess if I had an ear tattoo, I wouldn't. In any event, I saw one where someone had a feathery design on the lobe of their ear, it was really cool looking. I wonder though how it would look after stretching...hmm. Anyway, this is definately a will consider.Now this last one is perhaps the coolest one yet, and something that I would seriously, seriously consider. Elf ears. That's right you guys, elf ears. Perminate, non falling off-ish, non skin tone matching-y elf ears. Do you know how hard I'd get elf ears? And how awesome of an industrial I'd get through 'em? Well, only one side. Only on the left side. In any event, I'd really, truely love to be an old elf lady with silver dreads. I kinda wish my ears were like that naturally, but since they aren't...Next on the list of confessions is language. I love language. As I always say, if language was a person...I'd tap that so hard. But I must confess, I have no dicipline when it comes to learning language. I've tried multiple times (and fail'd multiple times) to teach myself Japanese. Not that it stops me *fingers new book from the library* but yes, it's not gonna be easy. See, I either need someone to learn it with, or someone to teach it to me and make me do homework and such. And I know what you're thinking: "you're a college goth! Take a damn class!" I tried, but the teacher was BATSHIT INSANE. I think it'll be better once my boyfriend and I have a chance to learn it together...if not this semester, then over the summer.
Where did your obsession with languages come from, pray tell? Well mysterious audience member, I'm glad you asked. I don't really know...I suppose I've just always wanted to know all the languages in the world. I suppose it started with an obsession with accents (which I've probably had since I was about 3 or so). Of course, accents lead to different languages, and when I started to find certain accents attractive, I suppose I found those languages attractive as well. Though...english isn't really a different language. I remember one weekend in 6th grade when I tried to teach myself Latin and Greek. Didn't work out too well. But still, the inspiration was there! And I've been trying to learn Japanese since I was about 9 or 10 when Sailor Moon first came into my life...I admit, my obsession with Japan did start with anime. But every girl has to have a role model right?
I'm rambling. I have podcasts to download to teach me vocabulary so I can sound smarter in my blog posts and in my conversations because really, I aim to sound like an educated lady with a few languages under my belt by the time I get my Psy D in.
Now, I was going to have some awesome last confession, but I can't remember what it was. Never you worry your pretty little head, you'll get your last confession, it just won't be the original confession I was going to confess to you. The ultimate confession for this evening will be about the weather and the times of day. Now, one would assume that a goth would be a creature of the night. Temperature wise...probably cold for more jackets and pants with buckles, but it really depends. This goth likes all weather and all times of day. I only really realize this on days like yesterday when it's 50 degrees after it being terribly cold...the birds are singing and there is not a cloud in the sky. Those are the days that I feel most comfortable, and the days that I feel the happiest. I suppose it dates back to when I was little, and after I would get sick when it rained, I would feel better when it was sunny.
Don't get me wrong. A warm summer night is the perfect time to wander around a forest and scare the crap outta people. But I like days as well as nights. The times I don't like are from about 5am to 10am...that's the time when you know you won't be falling back asleep and the time that you need to leave by. It's also the time that you need to be up by and the time you can't sleep in till. Worst of all, it's the time at night that you want to keep the light at bay as much as possible, but it just keeps coming...
Yes, I do admit, part of me wishes for eternal darkness. Eternal darkness and full moons. And I suppose to live by a fores with a running stream that will forever catch the moonlight. No matter how Victorian I want to be, I'll always be a bodice lacin', ivy wreath wearin', may pole dancin' lass at heart.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Doubt
I saw Doubt today. And it was alright, but this isn't about the movie. Really, I kinda want to be a nun.
For me personally, it's foolish, I know. I'd have to give up my current obsession (body mods), I'd have to become celibate, and various other things that I'm probably not actually ready for. It was really the habits and the bonnets in Doubt that made me think of it, but I've often thought of devoting myself completely to a religion. I think it would be, to say the least, an experience. I'd love to become a priestess of some ancient religion and have the knowledge of all sort of ancient rites and rituals. There's something so magical about robes and smoke and words.
I really just want to have magic powers and cast spells off of mountain tops in a long billowy cloak, but that takes training...And really, I don't think I'd want to give up the internet, and blogging and such. Or House.
For me personally, it's foolish, I know. I'd have to give up my current obsession (body mods), I'd have to become celibate, and various other things that I'm probably not actually ready for. It was really the habits and the bonnets in Doubt that made me think of it, but I've often thought of devoting myself completely to a religion. I think it would be, to say the least, an experience. I'd love to become a priestess of some ancient religion and have the knowledge of all sort of ancient rites and rituals. There's something so magical about robes and smoke and words.
I really just want to have magic powers and cast spells off of mountain tops in a long billowy cloak, but that takes training...And really, I don't think I'd want to give up the internet, and blogging and such. Or House.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Wings
I was wondering why every girl I know who wants to get a tattoo (0r two out of three) wants to get wings on her back. And I've figured it out. We're past the age of dressing up like faeries, but right at the age of being able to get tattoos. So why not get faeries on our backs? We can still have the innocence of a faerie princess, but the badassadry of a tattoo.
'Cause lets face it, we all wanted to be faerie princesses. Or the final evolutionary form of Sailor Moon....*ahem*
'Cause lets face it, we all wanted to be faerie princesses. Or the final evolutionary form of Sailor Moon....*ahem*
You can't have it all
You can't. I feel that it's fundamentally impossible to have a perfect life.
No, I'm not saying that life can't be amazing and beautiful and full of lace and chains, but there are some things that have to give. It keeps us balanced. Right now, I have a lovely boyfriend, it's kinda warm outside, my family loves me and I love them, and my friends are stupendous. But I don't have money. Indeed, I think I have about 14 bux to my name. Valentines day is coming up, and I won't have money to get my sweetheart anything (or rather, it'll be late). My mom's birthday is in about 3 weeks, and there is one more thing that I want to get her before her birthday so that she can start on her road to becoming Steampunk (yes, my mom is that much of a G).
This entry isn't all about money. It's about balance. If we were to have everything we ever wanted in life, we would be greedy bastards because we would always aim to acquire more. Even now, I have a place to stay, a steady supply of food, loving people, and I want money for corsets and gifts.
If we were given all we wanted and did not have to work for it, we'd be lazy bastards and expect to get all we desire at a moment's notice. I really despise people like that, as I used to be like that when I was younger...I never asked for anything, but my mom always gave. And gave and gave and gave. And I didn't start thanking her until I was about 16 when I realized she doesn't HAVE to give me things...she doesn't HAVE to cook me food, et cet. It keeps you balanced, and it keeps you humbled.
Life can be beautiful with all the things you have now, and it's fine to want for more things, but you can't have it all. It's impossible...there will always be more to have.
No, I'm not saying that life can't be amazing and beautiful and full of lace and chains, but there are some things that have to give. It keeps us balanced. Right now, I have a lovely boyfriend, it's kinda warm outside, my family loves me and I love them, and my friends are stupendous. But I don't have money. Indeed, I think I have about 14 bux to my name. Valentines day is coming up, and I won't have money to get my sweetheart anything (or rather, it'll be late). My mom's birthday is in about 3 weeks, and there is one more thing that I want to get her before her birthday so that she can start on her road to becoming Steampunk (yes, my mom is that much of a G).
This entry isn't all about money. It's about balance. If we were to have everything we ever wanted in life, we would be greedy bastards because we would always aim to acquire more. Even now, I have a place to stay, a steady supply of food, loving people, and I want money for corsets and gifts.
If we were given all we wanted and did not have to work for it, we'd be lazy bastards and expect to get all we desire at a moment's notice. I really despise people like that, as I used to be like that when I was younger...I never asked for anything, but my mom always gave. And gave and gave and gave. And I didn't start thanking her until I was about 16 when I realized she doesn't HAVE to give me things...she doesn't HAVE to cook me food, et cet. It keeps you balanced, and it keeps you humbled.
Life can be beautiful with all the things you have now, and it's fine to want for more things, but you can't have it all. It's impossible...there will always be more to have.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Watery Confessions
I've decided to work out every day until I loose 10 or so lbs ("we know, we know, shut the fuck up will you?!" Sorry...) so starting yesterday, I'll go to the gym for about an hour every day. And eat better, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so I was at the gym yesterday, and I was runnin' on the stair master. It was amazing and I felt pretty fucking great. I got off and went back to my dorm feelin' pretty pumped, yet thirsty.
Now, there's a vending machine in my dorm and being a serious tool for a moment, I walked past the water fountain to get some bottled water. I know, I know. I was swiftly punished for my crime though, fear not. I went to the vending machine and put in my dollar. I was going to get some dumb vitamin water bullshit but it cost $1.50. So I went for the actual water and the machine made the churning noise it makes when it's about to give you something, but it gave me NOTHING!
This really has nothing to do with gothyness or anything, I just wanted to share.
Fun Fact: I'm thinking of dying my Dickinson bag black. But I need fabric dye that won't take like...45 min to cook. Walmart is out. Any suggestions? Ohh...and suggestions on where I could get pyramid studs too...internet probably huh...I think it's time to DIY that bag...
Now, there's a vending machine in my dorm and being a serious tool for a moment, I walked past the water fountain to get some bottled water. I know, I know. I was swiftly punished for my crime though, fear not. I went to the vending machine and put in my dollar. I was going to get some dumb vitamin water bullshit but it cost $1.50. So I went for the actual water and the machine made the churning noise it makes when it's about to give you something, but it gave me NOTHING!
This really has nothing to do with gothyness or anything, I just wanted to share.
Fun Fact: I'm thinking of dying my Dickinson bag black. But I need fabric dye that won't take like...45 min to cook. Walmart is out. Any suggestions? Ohh...and suggestions on where I could get pyramid studs too...internet probably huh...I think it's time to DIY that bag...
Sunday, February 1, 2009
For the Imbibing of Liquids
So it seems that I am a bit of a light weight when it comes to drinking. I got drunk for the first time yesterday, and it was..an experience. The sort of weightless wobbly feeling was, I dare say, enjoyable, but the drinks themselves were not. A true lady would not get drunk off of vodka and wine, and yet...
Vodka tastes like nail polish remover. Even if it is laced with vanila. The wine was alright, but I'm not much for red wine. If I had my way, I'd have...well...wait, I don't really know what I'd have. What sort of drinks to goths have? Wine most probably. But what else? Wine gets boring after a while I'd guess.
In any event, the night itself was interesting. I went to the Arts Haus after being told repeatedly to come by. I grabbed a couple of friends and there we went. We had a chat, found some friends, sat around, and drank their booze. My friend got quite drunk. So much so that we had to walk her home. Then we got pulled over by DPS and she got a verbal warning. It was rather silly, looking back on it. Still, a fun night though.
I suppose college is all about experimentation. And education of course, but mostly experimentation. Which means, more chances to find out about what sort of booze a proper lady should imbime.
Vodka tastes like nail polish remover. Even if it is laced with vanila. The wine was alright, but I'm not much for red wine. If I had my way, I'd have...well...wait, I don't really know what I'd have. What sort of drinks to goths have? Wine most probably. But what else? Wine gets boring after a while I'd guess.
In any event, the night itself was interesting. I went to the Arts Haus after being told repeatedly to come by. I grabbed a couple of friends and there we went. We had a chat, found some friends, sat around, and drank their booze. My friend got quite drunk. So much so that we had to walk her home. Then we got pulled over by DPS and she got a verbal warning. It was rather silly, looking back on it. Still, a fun night though.
I suppose college is all about experimentation. And education of course, but mostly experimentation. Which means, more chances to find out about what sort of booze a proper lady should imbime.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Musical Confessions
As I sit here listening to KMFDM, I wonder how I got here...I've always had a love for music...blah blah blah...since I was a kid...blah blah blah...But I was a weird kid. See, lots if not most kids like songs in a major key. How do I know this? Listen to little kids songs. They're mostly in major key. But I being the odd wee thing that I was liked my songs in minor key. My personal favorite was the Leprochaun Song I had on a red tape that I played over and over again (I still have that tape somewhere in a box...) and that I can find nowhere else...so you lot will never hear it...unless you convince me to sing. But you cant! Ha!
In any event, yah...minor key has always been a plus. Not to say that a bit of major key here and there isn't nice but...well, if you listen to my iTunes, it's mostly depressing stuff. And screaming, but we'll address that later.
As I got older and stopped listening to the things that my mom listened to (for like a year during Radio Disney's hayday) i began to discover further my taste in music. By middle school, my taste had expanded into The Beatles and other lovely things like that. Slowly, it turned to Celtic, and I must admit that the slow tremble of the violin string still makes my throat constrict with tears. But I'm not as into Celtic anymore.
In the 11th grade, I had been stumbling around the internets (youtube more specifically) searching, I believe, for Advent Children stuff. That's when I found it...Vanila by Gackt...I fell in love instantly. I continued my search by clicking on the link to Shiroi by Malice Mizer (Gackt was a part of Malice Mizer back in the day). I watched the video, saw Mana playing the violin and thought to myself "that has to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!"
Ahahahaha...upon reading the comments and seeing similar sentiments as mine, I soon learned that Mana was, and is masculine. "How can this be? A girl as beautiful as she could not be a man....surely the internet is fucking with me yet again. I will not fall into such a trap". To Wikipedia I went and sure enough all the members of Malice Mizer, including Mana-sama are men. "But wait, who is this...'Malice-Mizer'...what do they do? Shiroi was an amazing song! I must know more!" . Clicka-clicka-clicka...before you knew it, I was changed forever. I needed more, I craved more Visual Kei....and now look at me. I love Candy Spooky Theater and Deathgaze. Gazette and D'espairs Ray are amazing as well. And I'll always have a special place in my heart for Malice Mizer.
But lots of people, my mom included, don't like my music. Or rather, they don't like all of it. See, I like my music a bit screamy...and most people don't. Couldn't tell you why. But it raises issues when sharing a space with another person.
So there you have it. The origins of my musical taste. If it's not Visual Kei, I've probably heard in on the radio. I'm always looking for new stuff. And gregorian chants are fine too.
In any event, yah...minor key has always been a plus. Not to say that a bit of major key here and there isn't nice but...well, if you listen to my iTunes, it's mostly depressing stuff. And screaming, but we'll address that later.
As I got older and stopped listening to the things that my mom listened to (for like a year during Radio Disney's hayday) i began to discover further my taste in music. By middle school, my taste had expanded into The Beatles and other lovely things like that. Slowly, it turned to Celtic, and I must admit that the slow tremble of the violin string still makes my throat constrict with tears. But I'm not as into Celtic anymore.
In the 11th grade, I had been stumbling around the internets (youtube more specifically) searching, I believe, for Advent Children stuff. That's when I found it...Vanila by Gackt...I fell in love instantly. I continued my search by clicking on the link to Shiroi by Malice Mizer (Gackt was a part of Malice Mizer back in the day). I watched the video, saw Mana playing the violin and thought to myself "that has to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!"
Ahahahaha...upon reading the comments and seeing similar sentiments as mine, I soon learned that Mana was, and is masculine. "How can this be? A girl as beautiful as she could not be a man....surely the internet is fucking with me yet again. I will not fall into such a trap". To Wikipedia I went and sure enough all the members of Malice Mizer, including Mana-sama are men. "But wait, who is this...'Malice-Mizer'...wh
But lots of people, my mom included, don't like my music. Or rather, they don't like all of it. See, I like my music a bit screamy...and most people don't. Couldn't tell you why. But it raises issues when sharing a space with another person.
So there you have it. The origins of my musical taste. If it's not Visual Kei, I've probably heard in on the radio. I'm always looking for new stuff. And gregorian chants are fine too.
Various confessions
I entertained the notion of starting up an LJ for my meandering thoughts, but I realized that I really don't know what to say, nor would I keep up with it.
And really, I'd only be doing it for the attention whoring and the hopes of being discovered by a clothing website...leading to, perhaps, getting free clothing from them? Hint-HINT internet gods...
So, first confession is, I suppose, I wish I could be an internet celebrity. Then I'd get free things. And free is always good.
Since free hardly ever happens though, I have a job. Two actually. Both of which will go to my furthering of body mod-ing and revamping of my wardrobe. Because it's not enough to simply enough to have black clothing. All goths wear black, but is the inverse true? No. In fact, not all goths wear black. I do though. Because it looks slimming. And I have body issues.
Speaking of which, I'm working on loosing weight (again) and for further motivation I've decided to not get any more body mods (not even sizing up my gages) until I loose 10-15lbs. Probably 10, 'cause I really want a fucking tattoo. And perhaps a belly button piercing. Or a tongue piercing. Whatever. Moar piercings.
For the first time in my life, I'll have money for a good corset. What the hell am I going to do with myself? I'll be flustered for weeks...
In any event another confession: I wish I was smaller. I often feel small, and wish to be a shadow. Then I could just listen and observe people, make notes, and act appropriately when the time comes. What does this have to do with clothes (as that seems to be the main focus of this entry)? If I were small, I could fit more Japanese clothing. Or I could be Sam. She's so fucking adorable...holy shit...even more so with the purple hair. I wish MY hair would do that....but I look terrible blond-ish.
Anyway >__> small=more clothes. Sam=small. Thus Sam=more clothes. Win win. Sam, I'm taking over your body.
Next confession: I can waste hours and hours of time looking at clothes on ebay and longing for the money to have such wonderful things. I have a wishlist of about...153 tab of lolita dresses, jackets and shoes; 20 for socks; and 22 tabs of random other clothes that I find awesome. What has my life become? *whistful sigh*
I want to wear makeup more, but I really don't have time in the morning. Unless I want to wake up an hour earlier...then I'd be a bitch the rest of the day. Not worth it. Also, since most if not all goth make up (and hair for that matter) tips are for those of a paler complexion than mine, my makeup styles are more of an experiment than a fool proof method. So I'd need time to mess up and not look like an idiot. A weekend perhaps. But weekends are full of homework...
And really, I'd only be doing it for the attention whoring and the hopes of being discovered by a clothing website...leading to, perhaps, getting free clothing from them? Hint-HINT internet gods...
So, first confession is, I suppose, I wish I could be an internet celebrity. Then I'd get free things. And free is always good.
Since free hardly ever happens though, I have a job. Two actually. Both of which will go to my furthering of body mod-ing and revamping of my wardrobe. Because it's not enough to simply enough to have black clothing. All goths wear black, but is the inverse true? No. In fact, not all goths wear black. I do though. Because it looks slimming. And I have body issues.
Speaking of which, I'm working on loosing weight (again) and for further motivation I've decided to not get any more body mods (not even sizing up my gages) until I loose 10-15lbs. Probably 10, 'cause I really want a fucking tattoo. And perhaps a belly button piercing. Or a tongue piercing. Whatever. Moar piercings.
For the first time in my life, I'll have money for a good corset. What the hell am I going to do with myself? I'll be flustered for weeks...
In any event another confession: I wish I was smaller. I often feel small, and wish to be a shadow. Then I could just listen and observe people, make notes, and act appropriately when the time comes. What does this have to do with clothes (as that seems to be the main focus of this entry)? If I were small, I could fit more Japanese clothing. Or I could be Sam. She's so fucking adorable...holy shit...even more so with the purple hair. I wish MY hair would do that....but I look terrible blond-ish.
Anyway >__> small=more clothes. Sam=small. Thus Sam=more clothes. Win win. Sam, I'm taking over your body.
Next confession: I can waste hours and hours of time looking at clothes on ebay and longing for the money to have such wonderful things. I have a wishlist of about...153 tab of lolita dresses, jackets and shoes; 20 for socks; and 22 tabs of random other clothes that I find awesome. What has my life become? *whistful sigh*
I want to wear makeup more, but I really don't have time in the morning. Unless I want to wake up an hour earlier...then I'd be a bitch the rest of the day. Not worth it. Also, since most if not all goth make up (and hair for that matter) tips are for those of a paler complexion than mine, my makeup styles are more of an experiment than a fool proof method. So I'd need time to mess up and not look like an idiot. A weekend perhaps. But weekends are full of homework...
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